Butterflies and Zebras

Guys that brainy girls have to like

2007-12-19T13:15:00.000-05:00

I may be wrong but the first two I think are definites
1) Jim from the Office
2) House from House

I was talking to my husband for some reason this came up and he said "Oh you like Jim on the Office I didn't know that- and I said- It is a rule- all brainy girls like Jim- brainy might not be right but I have my PhD and whereas you really don't need to be super smart to get it it sort of just automaticaly conveys smartness or brainyness which is the sole reason I got on- Just Kidding on the sole reason part but I will say one of the nice perks is in non academic company I no longer have to prove I am smart unfortunately academics still think I am a dumbass.

Anyway - I was thinking surely there are more - but I think they may get more into personal taste but here are some more possibilites
3) You'd think McDreamy from Grey's but i contend it is really Mc Steamy- I think the brainy girls find McDreamy too whiney and sensitive we secretly like guys with an edge.
4) Jack from lost- he almost falls in the too whiney category but he does have an edge that saves him.
5) Sawyer from Lost- we don't want to admit it becasue he is such a bad boy but still wouldn't kick him out of bed.
6) Jack Bauer- 24- he should be higher up- he is awesome.

That's all I got. No one ever comments but it is fun to pretend that I will get arguments and additions nevertheless.

Some pics

2007-12-14T12:01:00.001-05:00

Now he can never deny how much he once loved me even when he is a surly teenager.

my beautiful little girl

2007-09-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

It is long overdue but it is hard to make the time. The things I would like to remember about this time with Kaitlyn. Almost every night when I put her to bed she begs for me to tell her stories- sometimes I actually make them up but often she gives me the basic plot and tells me to run with it. She is imaginative and I am always tickled at some point where her mind has gone. She now has this dress that has balloons all over it- it looks homemade and her Aunt bought it for her. I think if she could wear this dress everyday she would. It is hand washable but she will keep it absolutely spotless so it hasn't gotten a stain on it yet.

She often tells us out of the blue how she loves us. Out of nowhere- "mommy I love you" It never fails to melt my heart. Every morning she comes in and wants to snuggle with me before we get up to face the day. The other day I was out running and she was quite put out- Daddy offered but she told him to go away she would rather snuggle by herself. She comes in complaining that she doesn't want to go to school- we used to empathisize with her on this then realized we were adding to it - so I started saying the fun things she could do going to school. Her current favorite is to yell out what she hopes is for breakfast along with what her brother and the rest of us would like to eat. Just last week she came in crying - which always prompts me to go into the fun things that are school- so I stopped and said "you don't have to cry- you can just snuggle with me and ask me to tell you what is fun about school." Every since then she comes hops into bed and tells me "tell me what they will have for breakfast today at school"

She shares much better than most adults- she really has this pure giving heart that often makes me a little sad because I worry the world will take advantage of that. She has plenty of spunk though evidenced by this conversation this a.m.

Me "You had trouble sleeping last night"
Her "No, I just cried a little because He (meaning her daddy) sometimes doesn't do what i want him to do."

Fair enough

She is learning so much every day and for some reason I guess it is a growth spurt she has lost any baby/toddler that ever was in her. She also started testing limits big time- it has only been after we got a handle on this that I had enough time to realize that part of my incredible anger when she started misbehaving was that I resented no that isn't the right word but mourned that she wasn't at all my baby anymore. It is just one step on a road of adventures where she will pull away and I will have to adjust.

My heart really aches at how sweet smart and loving she is. Neither of these posts have done the real wonder of my children any justice but I hope they help jog my memory in times to come.

My favorite compliment of the week was a mother stopped at day care last night to tell me how cute my kids were-

yes Yes they are!

Owen

2007-07-25T13:42:00.000-04:00

A while back I took Owen too see my friend in Alabama. While there he and I were having a blast sliding down this roller slide. Well he got quite comfortable with the process and decided to throw himself forward and in the process of trying to save him with a big bulk of a child moving all his bulk the opposite direction I intended to go- I saved him quite well but cut my knee up something fiece.

Owen was just facinated with this. He continually talked about my boo boo on my knee as did every other kid in playgroup. So he has taken too still to this day- bending down on one knee and kissing the boo boo on my leg.

The boy is beyond in love with me and still belives that even well above 30 lbs he should mostly be a Koala in my arms. On said trip he slept so much my friend actually nicknamed him Rip Van Winkle.

He also has always believed in the vital need to ennunciate each and every syllable. So it isn't ba for book- never was but always BOOK!!!! Not yah or yeah for Yes but YES! TRUCK- Etc. seriously I beleive he must have some german or other hard non romance language in him.

He has been quite terrified of the doctor due to recurent and nasty ear infections and waxy ears. Seriously for such a sweet boy his temper tantrums are quite legendary in our house. But today he went to the doctor and was an angel.

The doctor "So will we find Diego in you ear?"
Owen very seriously "Yes"
How about this ear is Boots in there
Owen thinks "No!"

This conversation can occur about anything
My friend took advantage of Owen's rather thoughtful and varied NO's and Yes's
"So Owen do youi think there will ever be World Peace"
"No"
Do you think that George Bush is a bad president
"Yes"
DO you think there is a conspiracy among gas companies to raise gas prices
No
"well that is where you and I part ways Owen"
Yes

He has a dog that is lovie item that i called rusty- he has become Ra Ra for everyone and like his sister all blankets are Mimi's - don't know why never will.
I was just told by his teacher that whenever he sees his sister across the playground at school they say is that your sister and he goes "No Mama: Mamam Mamam Mama- as if to say just wanted to let you know I want my mamam here.

He makes me laugh on a regular basis he is good with his hands and putting things togeher and may be one of the sweeter boys I have every met. But he is all boy and is tough as nails. he is getting bit regulalry at school which is a pain for all of us. But his reaction is to tackle the kid and often tackles kids at school- I shouldn't be proud of that but I am. What's more he is like the enforcer of his class- kids rarely touch Ra Ra and when they do he demands it back. If Ra Ra is lost he will call out and all the kids start looking for him. He can give as good if not better than he gets from his sister- because frankly she is a gentler soul than Owen.

So those are some of my fleeting memories of Owen and now I don't have enough time for Kaitlyn's but hopefully that will be coming soon- but if not well it is probably because like always she demanded I do something with her now rather then letting me capture memories. Though it makes me sad that a lot of this magic is lost forever - it is better to be with them and making memories than losing chances writting them down.

Don't know if this is where I will do this

2007-07-25T13:38:00.000-04:00

I keep getting surprised with how quickly both kids are growing up and how much I forget regularly about what they are doing. Someone who doesn't know me very well gave me a "mommy journal" when Kaitlyn was born. Though it is nice- it really isn't quite me and even if it were my handwriting is so bad that even after I wrote in it- I can't read it so how will my children if they care when they get older. I was telling a story to some friends about a cute thing Owen did and they said you should write that down. They are right I should. This blog has always been mostly about these kids but it has been about other things. Then I think no one really cares about the little things they are doing- but really does anyone really care about most of what I write about. Which leads me to this should probably just be a private journal on my own computer that I can look back and the kids can if they care. Oh well but this is here and set up. I am not sure I'd want them to read every post here but I can't really remember if there is a reason why not. So now I have talked a long time about nothing. Which surely no one cares about. Oh well.

A little bit of this, A little bit of that

2007-04-30T12:18:00.000-04:00

I run my first 5 k this weekend and am pretty excited about it. The last few weekends have been a little tough- lots of company and I am looking forward to getting away with my husband and having some time alone.

I keep thinking of my kids and how funny it is how things change. I have found three in lots of ways to be a difficult age for me. She is still as sweet as can be and I love her more than anything but she is smarter than me and seems to find a new way to test limits every day. Between the whining, temper tantrums (I thought they were supposed to be a problem with 2!) and the latest sassing which thankfully seems reserved mostly for her father right now I spend more time annoyed with my daughter then I would like. This is very uncomfortable for me- I am used to just simply loving her and finding myself relieved when it is my night to put my son to bed frankly makes me feel awful. I really feel like a crappy mom who loves my son more than my daughter and I don't know how that could be. After all didn't I post when I was pregnant with him how I worried I wouldn't love him enough. Having one be my favorite isn't an acceptable option especially leaving behind my beautiful charming daughter who captured my heart so long ago seems so incredibly unfair. I am the baby of the family and I always envied my brother the first born for all the good things that seem to come from being first. Now I find myself feeling sorry for my daughter- we make all of our mistakes with her and I am harder on her because I just didn't know what I was doing and still don't. But with Owen I realized many of the mistakes I made with her and much of what I worried about was just a waste so I don't do that to him. But Kailtyn is still stuck with being first so I don't know how to handle the whining - how strict should you be? and every new thing she starts makes me pause to try to think of what to do and I have to fight the psychologist in me to not pathologize my beautiful little girls probably very normal behavior.

Case in point- we have worked so hard to get her to stop whining because frankly I hate whining more then just about anything and I don't like how I feel about her when she whines- for family peace and for her to not be yelled at too extremely I need her to whine less. So now when she is feeling whiney because she wants something, is hungry, tired etc. She says "X hurts' either she bumped her foot mildly, horrors her brother hugged her too tight or if nothing like that happened she goes to the old standby "my tummy hurts' Well her aunt who loves her dearly and doesn't have to discipline, gets her ice and dotes on her so why wouldn't you do this- if you whine you get yelled at but if you whine because x, y or z hurts you get hugs, ice and love from Auntie and more than likely daddy as well.

Well I think it is wrong and don't want to "reinforce" this behavior - frankly in my field it looks like a set up for somatizing and all the associated disorders- since I came from a stiff upper lip quit your whining family this whole cluster of disorders is one of my least favorite. So I tend to ignore her or tell me she needs to tell me what she wants rather than something hurts- I have even gone as far to tell her the little boy who cried wolf story along with a "I can't help you because I never know when you are really hurt since you cry about everything." This is not who I want to be to her- I want her to see me as the kind of mother you can run into her arms and have her hug you and kiss you and make all you boo boo's go away- after all she is 3 and when else can you really do this. I want her to associate my scent and arms with comfort because even a poor mother is comforting, warm and inviting to a child this age.

Most of all I don't want to favor her brother over her. I think it is the age in that I am finding 3-4 more complicated then an infant or toddler. After all she is smart and can vocalize very clearly what she wants and for her wants are needs there is no distinciton. He well I can say oh he is crying for x but we have to do y so we'll move on- it is really different for me when a child cries in his crib vs. cries out Mommy, Mommy- I can ignore the first much better then my name being called out. I think this is so funny because when Ms. Kaitlyn was a newborn I had a very hard post partum period. It was so difficult for me that I would feel an ache in my whole body when I would see older children probably her age now- I'd think I'd give anything to be there with her- so she was sleeping, eating and telling me what she wanted. Now that she is hear I have found that I seem to have a love affair with children ages 6 months - it seems somewhere after 3 for my sweet little girl. Before this time period honestly once she got to 6 months it was the sweet uncomplicated love that you dream of having for your children. She could do no wrong- she never really went through the terrible twos and the few behavior problems she showed well they were easily changed though easy discipline. Even things that were harder didn't really make me annoyed with her- maybe I am remembering it romantically but really I am rarely annoyed with Owen- once he started sleeping well and hit that magical time for me 6 months he can get on my nerves when he cries and won't let me put him down but deep down I love it and it is just a passing annoyance. But when she whines, throws a tantrum and then tells me to put her shoes away after I just asked her to
"Kaitlyn put your shoes away"
"Mommy you do it!"

Well let’s just say it is more than minor annoyance. I hope for my sweet babies sake that Owen is a hellion at 3 and that the age 5 is another blissful age- after all I will hate it but she should feel that kind of love again and unfortunately no matter how much you try not too - when you have two you compare and they will too.

Progress

2007-04-06T09:27:00.000-04:00

I am about one month away from my first race and just finished another on-line trainign program that was about 8-10 weeks. So I ran a 5k pushing myself for race pace to see what progress I had made. In the midst of trying to figure out how to round out my training without injuring myself before the race I was surfing running sites and saw a thread of people who were just finishing the first training I basically did couch to 5 k. They were now doing a program that had them working up to running an hour in a session. The first 3 weeks are 30 minutes 3 times a week and they were discussing how hard it was to still run 30 minutes. I stopped myself shocked as I thought- Oh that's not too tough. Less than 6 months ago I was having trouble running 2 minutes. After the first training I ran 30 minutes then finished up the 5 k running and walking it. I remember talking with my husband about how I didn't want to start off running 30 minutes every day becasue that was still to otough for me. I had done a 6 week version of the couch to 5k so I started with finishing that up and then moved on to this program that has me go 30 minutes two times a week and on the third day I worked up to 4 miles with 5 minutes running, 1 minute walking intervals. It is amazing because while you are doing this you get lost in the process and forget how far you have come in a short time. You get inpatient or so focused on where you want to be your forgot where your starting point was.

So the new running time is below. As for push ups I realized that my form was all wrong for the modified pushups I was doing- I was keeping all my weight back which is why I could do them endlessly and never get stronger. I have been working hard on my form- started with 2 sets of 12 wall push ups, and worked my way up so now I am doing 2 sets of 7 modified push ups -correctly -and then do planks afterwards. I have head one rule of thumb that when you can do 3 sets of 30 you should be able to do one real one. Both these areas are long roads for me but I am getting there.

Goals
X Complete initial 5 k training program
X Run 5 k on own (41.30) (37.30)
Complete 5 k race
Run 1.5 miles in 14.30
Do 38 crunches in 1 minute
Do 1 Push Up
Do 18 push ups in 1 minute
Get to goal weight

My journey so far

2007-02-23T16:18:00.000-05:00

In my quest to lose the last of the baby weight- I have been also on a weight loss journey. This time I have coupled my normal- eat less exercise more with more positive body image work. I promised myself if I lost weight this time I would be happy where I was and still not hating body parts or grimacing when I saw pictures of myself. The world will teach Kaitlyn to hate her body enough I don’t need to be one more example of that. I don’t’ kid myself that I can make that much of a difference after all my mother rarely bitched about the way she looked and though often not slim was always pretty comfortable with her appearance. But still I spend a lot of time hating myself. I can’t say I have been completely successful but I am doing better than ever before.

I gained 10 lbs before I became pregnant with Owen. I then gained 40 lbs with him. I literally was the heaviest I have ever been in my life. But still I took 3 months off of worrying about it after he was born- I promised I would. I then joined Curves- for many reasons
1) It was 5 minutes from my house
2) It was a 30 minute workout
3) It wasn’t too hard for me

I was out of shape plain and simple- I had been walking prior to Curves and started the Couch to 5 K program- I think I did the first run wrong but what I did was run/jog 90 seconds and walk 90 second or a minute or something like that. I did this about 5 times and felt like I would die and I was sore the next day. The first two reasons counted because I was now a full time working mother of 2 with a husband that was beyond busy in school. I simply didn’t have time to travel 20-30 minutes to gyms that had a workout I was more used to and I didn’t have 1 hr Plus to do it when I got there.

After Kaitlyn was born was one of the second best fitness times of my life. There was a gym around the corner- I could literally walk to it. It was all female and they had child care. I went about 4-5 times a week and spent a good hour there at least each time- longer if Scott was watching Kaitlyn. I lost all my weight with her by the time she was 9 months and I was in great shape if I do say so myself. The first time of great fitness was when I started going to the gym with a friend who was preparing for officer training for the military that was when I first began running. I almost made it to running 3 miles on the treadmill in 30 minutes and I did weight religiously. Then I got pregnant but oh well such is life.

Anyway back to Curves- I did Curves and WW on-line for 9 months and lost 35 lbs and over 35 inches. Then my Curves closed down and though I was pissed in reality I had outgrown the work out. About half way through Curves as Owen got older I had added in 2- 20-30 aerobic workouts to that normal routine and sometimes some extra weight training mostly for my abs.

I still had the same problem with gyms they are too far from where I work and too far from my home. I believe personal obligations aside if exercise isn’t convenient you won’t do it. So I signed up to blockbuster on line to be able to try new exercise DVD’s and then soon started a version of the couch to 5 k program for running. I can now run 30 minutes consecutively with no problem – a big change from the woman who died running a couple of 90 second intervals. I have signed up for a 5 k race in early May and ever since I ran on that treadmill with that friend I have wanted to run one and I will finally do it-barring natural disasters. I am also starting to focus on weight training a little more seriously and ironically find myself thinking what will help my running and help prevent injuries rather then what will help me lose weight faster. Weight training was always a chore I did to increase muscle mass to be able to burn more calories at rest and lose weight or maintain weight. When did this happen- when did my focus get so much better?

I always liked exercise once I made myself do it for a bit. But always in the back of my mind was how many calories did I burn- did I work hard enough- in short though I liked how exercise made me feel the ultimate goal was always weight loss. Pilates/Yoga- I scoffed at since they didn’t provide enough calorie burn to be worth the trouble. Now I find myself caring about how far I can run and thinking about training schedules that will increase my endurance without injury so I can work on speed down the road. I think well maybe I can do a 10 K after a couple of 5 Ks- hmm who knows a half marathon someday- that is crazy- I doubt I’ll ever want to run 13 miles but I never thought I’d run ever. Back in grad school when I first tried I thought- well I will support my friend but I doubt I’ll get far with it. I looked at the air force officer requirements way back then I could do the run at the speed they recommended and the crunches/sit ups- but never the push ups. I figured oh well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. But now I think why not- I can’t do one push up but I also used to not be able to run 2 minutes. Why can’t I work up to 18 in 1 minute. Why not indeed.

I have lost 42 lbs total now- If you count the 5 I gained at Christmas and lost again it would be 47 but oh well I’ll get there. And that today is the most amazing thing of all. I won’t I don’t’ care about the scale or how I look, or what size I am. Because I still do and I think no matter how much progress I make I always will. But right now I probably care more about this upcoming race and how well I run and improving my strength then I do about how quick the last 8 lbs come off. I want to get to my goal and honestly I’d love it if I lost 5 more after that but seriously I probably look and feel better then I have in a long time. Sure I’d rather be fit and lean than fit and a little fat but still it feels like a huge step to have the pendulum swinging the other way for a change. I think Oh when the kids get older I want to go hiking with them, biking with them, I think how will this exercise make me stronger in my life to do things I want to do like go skiing without being sore and biking across the golden gate without being sore (did that right after I was married so much fun but the next day I could barely walk) rather than hey how many calories have I burned and how quick will this weight come off. I’ve had stalled points throughout this journey and will probably have more- the biggest being last June and then Dec-Jan but right now I feel strong and confident.

Goals
X Complete initial 5 k training program
X Run 5 k on own (41.30)
Complete 5 k race
Run 1.5 miles in 14.30
Do 38 crunches in 1 minute
Do 1 Push Up
Do 18 push ups in 1 minute
Get to goal weight

I'm Tired

2007-02-12T11:48:00.000-05:00

I'm tired and I'd say life has been beating up on me the past few weeks but really I have a nice life even during hard times so it could be worse. I find there are several joys and challenges with being a working mom. But there seems to be 4 scenarios that you live with regularly from utopia to crapopia
1. Both work and life with kids is going grand -everyone is healthy and happy and work is flowing swimmingly (I am sure this scenario exists but it may be one of those idealized impossible things to realize)

2. Kids are sick or acting out and work it going fine.

3. Kids are well and sweet and work sucks.

4. Kid are sick and work sucks (If 1 never happens this one happens way too often)

I spend most of my life on #2 or #3 you can alter to that you are either crazy busy in one place or another too. But I went through from November-January where Owen had a chronic ear infection that wouldn't clear up while I was busy writing a grant. I still count it as #2 but it was challenging.

Now I have been busy at work and it seems like anything that can go wrong does go wrong. I feel disheartened and disillusioned but these are normal periods in any researchers career. What is nice is that the kids are healthy and well and tend to cheer me up quite a bit but they are young children so Kaitlyn was up last night and I am tired this a.m.- I don't think it is from her being up just as much as the very building I work in right now makes me tired. But better days are ahead- and soon work will be going well and I will be transporting back and forth to doctor's offices and so on-what can you do but kick yourself that you are taking time out to bitch and moan. Living the dream here- living the dream

I really have a life outside my kids

2007-01-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

Not much of one maybe but I do - I work full time- I have friends - most of them are too far away but I do- the problem is work wise- well I have been well convinced of the risk of blogging about work and family well I doubt mine have found this blog but if they did well writing about them I couldn't win. So I write mostly about my kids and of course whatever soap box I am on.

Right now I want to capture the specialness that was this weekend. When you have your first child every special moment you think I will remember this forever, sadly you don't - I don't know why even when I see pictures or videos of Kaitlyn as a baby it is almost like she and I were different people and I only get the faintest and very faded picture of what that moment was really like. Still special and the things you didn't try to save well you know they are gone. So I remember this clearly a good night while I was putting her to bed before Owen was born but just before and I thought I will remember this moment forever- but I felt immediately sad because it was the first time I realized that I probably wouldn't.

SO this weekend specifically Sunday. Owen is currently in this magical period between ear infections and I get to see his real personality. He has had a constant ear infection since November with brief respites- it started when he was one so I thought oh he is getting a toddler temper early but the truth is somewhere in between- he does have a temper and is more demanding then his sister was at this age and more stubborn though that hardly seems possible. But not as bad as it looks as it seems he has been in pain which obviously makes him unhappy so I say on days 6-9 of his antibiotics I get to see what my son is really like. I love him all the time but gosh he is a special happy little boy on days 6-9.

Anyway nothing was particularly special about this day- except if you have ever parented two children under the age of 4 then it seems like a miracle. But Owen was happy - Kaitlyn wasn't throwing tantrums and was happy and they played together just he way you probably imagine siblings playing together before you have one. Kaitlyn was playing her new favorite game- take my buddies and dolls to school and Owen was just playing like any 14 month old that doesn't walk would. I thought both stages are so perfect and fun (usually I can recite the problems with each stage pretty well along with the benefits) but really today it was all the good with none of the bad. Scott made dinner and cleaned up and no one vomited at the dinner table (that was our Saturday night the not so glamorous and fun parts of parenthood).And Owen has started walking using my hands to help walk him around the house. Kaitlyn never did this and I must say I enjoy it and feel instantly nostalgic because I love it so much but know it is going to be a fleeting moment before he walks on his own and sometime he will be running out the door or graduating from high school and I will think this big boy (I think he will be tall) I used to hold his hands while he learned to walk.

The other thing this brings me too it I know it doesn't happen for everyone and I actually spend some time worrying I might have a favorite but I love love love to compare the two. They are so different yet so the same and I realize that I love both ways almost the same. It isn't to say that especially with my sweet girl where I already see our relationship leaving the simplicity of babyhood. A baby though sometimes you want to tear your hair out at the exhaustion of it once they are smiling and sitting are very easy to have the complete absence of ambivalence-at least for me but I love me a 6 month old and I absolutely adore the stage until I don’t know when but we aren’t there yet with Owen. After all I don't expect him to do much more then be a baby. Her well I do expect things from her and her me and though I don’t' think we love any differently it is more complicated. That makes me sad but like all things it has its pros and cons.

Well this has been rambly and I doubt I will remember this typical ordinary day any better. But my last post was bemoaning the threes and most of it is I think she is moving into the later half of age 3 and I am not shy about saying I now have two stages that I found particularly challenging
Newborn and the terrible 3's though she has yet to spit out to me that she hates me - I am sure that is coming. But 3.5 is suiting me better. I think it is fine as a parent or at least honest to admit that some of the challenges you rise better to then others. But after the last post Scott and I talked and really made a plan of what we wanted from her and how we needed to act as parents to get there. Probably she just outgrew it but it has been a special time with her

The trouble with Three

2006-11-13T09:47:00.000-05:00

I am having problems finding the right balance of discipline with my newly spirited three year old. She is way smarter then me and I find her chipping away at my resolve and strategies as methodically as an archeologist excavating a particularly important find. This is something that frustrated me because discipline is particularly important to me. After all I am a psychologist and you can't escape thinking "I should know how to do this right" I am not a child psychologist at least I have that going for me but theoretically you could bring me your problems with child rearing and I could give you good sound scientifically validated responses on how to appropriately shape behavior. So why is my daughter walking all over me. And she is. She isn't walking all over her dad though I have been not so secretly thinking he has been being a little hard on her. But this nagging voice in the back of my head was saying -"No he isn't being too hard - you are being a pushover and you are going to pay for it."

Well this a.m. was that day. See Kaitlyn is smart- and she is a lot like me. She is also capitalizing on my weaknesses and again it is a daily chipping away of the boundaries and you wake up and think "how are we here" How did this happen?"

So lets flash back to prior to 3 when I had good strong boundaries with her. In my world so you know what I am striving for good boundaries are where there are clear expectations about what is to happen and how she should behave but she also has enough room to move, grow and negotiate so they are tight/strong boundaries but they have some permeability and ability to move and grow as she does. My favorite analogy for discipline is that it is a like a thermostat - you want the proper temperature not too extreme or strict so it is too cold and she can't move and grow and defintiely not too loose and warm so she is just doing everything she wants with no thoughts to consequences. So I recalibrate a lot. Sometimes I am too strict sometimes too easy but rarely lately anymore do I feel just right.

So flashback- our morning routine used to consist of this.
She cries or in other ways lets me know she is awake.
I go in, we get dressed for school, teeth and hair are brushed and then she can do within reason what she wants with the rest of her time before we leave for school.

Things of course have gotten more complicated with Owen's arrival and him going to school with her. One way we helped this was to begin to pick clothes out the night before. But the other big change is now Kaitlyn gets up and comes out of her room instead of waiting for me. That is fine she is over 3 it makes sense. But I realize that now she does almost anything but get ready for school. She comes in while I am still in bed and snuggles with me and then it is lets snuggle on the couch, then lets eat breakfast, then I get ready and start pushing her to get ready and then its no let me help you, no you get Owen ready first, OK now I want to put my pants on and then my underpants over my pants, I want to sit on my shoes, I want to dance around the room like an animal, meow like a cat, bark like a dog, lets hop like a frog. I get impatient and yell, she cries, I cajole and get her into clothes- please let me put my shoes on later, let me help Owen brush his teeth before I brush mine, I need to get Suzy whom I dropped behind Owen's crib even after you told me not to. Then when she is finally dressed and ready to go she is screaming becasue she wants to watch TV- how does TV even enter the picture months ago I never would have considered it and now it is enough of an option she is crying for it. I have had more meltdowns then I should have to deal with - yelled more then I want to and feel many unkind thoughts toward my daughter the biggest being I can't wait to drop you off at school so I can stop fighting with you.

I'll crack down and things will get better again but this is a tough age for me. She challenges me in just the ways that make me think- why not give in to this request just this once and then weeks later I find myself so frustrated I could cry. I want her to listen to what I ask for and treat me with respect. I think it is a critical thing for her to learn right now. I think it lays down a foundation that will help us through a lot of hard times in the future. But despite my training and all my good intentions I feel as helpless as any parent does when their child who is a part of them and knows their buttons better then anyone pushes them so well. I feel like what do I do- Should I yell more, should I spank her, should I give in - what? I look at Owen where it is still so easy because discipline doesn't consist of too much more then saying "No NO" and moving him away and distracting him.

I love my daughter's spirit and her sense of humor and most of all how incredibly sweet and empathetic she is. I like snuggling with her in the morning and her laughing at sometimes she finds silly. I wouldn't trade her being three I don't think but days like today it is hard to know exactly why.

Turning One

2006-11-08T13:26:00.000-05:00

I thought I might post every day this week with different thoughts on what it is like for your baby to turn 1. But it is Wednesday and he turns one on Saturday so you can see how that worked out. Oh well. Lots of thoughts keep racing through my head. So I'll take time now and highlight one of the more melodramatic ones. I also hope to find Owen's birth story and post that as well.

We induced Owen and that feels funny to write because when we induced him we didn't know his name was Owen but now it feels awkward to not call him Owen. The labor was routine and going very well. Unlike with his sister I had my epidural early and I can remember clear as day while I watched Days of Our Lives thinking- I could do this again easy. This induction thing is the way to go. I was in no pain, quite relaxed and happy. My husband was reading a book. I remember the time that the pain came back clear as day because it was about 1:51 and I was watching then end of Days of Our Lives. The nurse came in and I told her how I thought the epidural was wearing off because I was feeling a lot of pain. She had come in to check though because the babies heart rate was dropping with each contraction. She checked me and I hadn't dilated anymore and she turned the pitocin up (if you are versed in baby having that doesn't necessarily make sense but at that time the decels weren't dramatic and she had shifted my position so given no progress in almost an hour it wasn't a crazy thing to do). The increase in pitocin caused much greater decels and his heart rate was dropping to below 60 with each contraction and I was having a lot of contractions and they did hurt. Again his heart rate had been 140 ish so this is a pretty decent drop. This is not a horribly abnormal happening. But for me and my incredibly blessed life it was terrifying. I kept telling myself it was normal. They stopped the pitocin and put me on oxygen but things didn't improve. I found myself in my husband's very capable hands as he calmed me down and said all the perfect and right things. My rationale side said "Oh they'll do a C section" and I am more then OK with that though if you had asked me before labor I would have told you how little I wanted to have a C section. But you could care less when your child's health is on the line. But I couldn't stop myself to going to - What if we lose him? What if he is stillborn? How will I ever survive if we lose this child I have been planning for and dreaming of these 9 months. I know him already, I love him already.

We didn't lose Owen- he was born not even an hour later and I didn't have a C section- the umbilical cord was quite nicely and tightly wrapped around his neck and I went from 4 cm to delivery in under 1 hr. That is a tough fast labor for a little guy to endure but he was tough and he made it.

It just brings me to looking at my soon to be 1 year old boy and thinking of how lucky I am. There are so many things that could have gone wrong during the pregnancy and the first year of life that having him healthy and here with us is truly a miracle. I know many disagree with that. And on the surface I get the argument- it happens routinely, it is nature's way so it isn't miraculous. But I guess I'd say talk to any mother who had her baby early, or worst lost a baby. They will tell you what miracles their children are and what a miracle it is when everything works the way it should. So we have a commonplace life - we have two children (couldn't do the 2.3 that stats say we should have) a dog and a happy marriage. But I see this kind of happiness as truly a miracle.

So Happy Birthday Owen- I am glad you came to us- you were more then worth the wait and you are the sweetest note we could end our baby days with just as your sister was the sweetest note to begin them with.

Favorite kid holiday

2006-11-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

It is a toss up since Christmas is in the loop but my very favorite may just be Halloween- I can still remember how excited I was as a kid about Halloween and trick or treating then at least for me it went away as I grew up. I still even without kids can get quite excited about Christmas but I think Halloween may be something for me that I just enjoy when I am young or have young kids around. I love how every year Kaitlyn enjoys it more and more. I love that I took her out her very first year trick or treating when she wasn't even 6 months old. I love that Owen was less then two weeks from being born last year so that the entire time I carried my little devil in my arms I smiled thinking about where he was last year. I thought I'd get some help carrying him this year either in the wagon or with dad or auntie but he only wanted mom. It makes me wistful that think that in a blink of an eye it will be next Halloween and he will be running up to doors with his big sister and I'll think I remember last year you couldn't even walk and wouldn't let anyone else hold you. This is Owen's last official first holiday before he turns 1. In many ways it will feel like his first Thanksgiving and Christmas since honestly he was way too young last year to care one way or the other. But I find myself constantly looking at him thinking where did this year go and how can my last baby be almost 1 already. I am far from unique posting how I love Halloween and feel a lot of bitter sweetness about my baby turning 1.

I'll post pics soon and expect a I can't believe my baby is 1 birthday post in about a week. But in case I get too busy

I can't beleive my baby is about to turn 1- who told him he could grow up so fast!

No kids allowed!

2006-10-16T11:56:00.000-04:00

I have two children that I love dearly. I truly think they are the greatest things in the entire universe and I am truly the luckiest woman in the world because they are mine and I am lucky enough to be married to my husband. But not every place is the right place for them to be.

Most people know about message boards- well there is one where women post about their children typically I visit ones that are for the month my kids were born in. Today I find a post about a woman basically incensed because she is going to be matron of honor in a friends wedding and her friend just told her she doesn’t want kids at her wedding. She doesn’t want to leave her kids with her husband (god forbid) for the weekend or go to the wedding wihtou him and it is an out of town wedding so either she wants her friend to change her mind or she doesn’t want to go.

I think this is what makes people without kids crazy or one of the many. But the idea that you can’t leave your kids for a night or that now the whole world needs to revolve around you and your children is obnoxious. I can totally understand not wanting young children at your wedding we did that for our wedding. And this is a situation where it is not about you and your kids but rather her and her wedding. You are her matron of honor- suck it up and deal with it and let go. You may find you actually have fun away from hubby and little cherubs 1 and 2.

Little kids don’t belong at fancy weddings, fancy restaurants or other adult oriented things in which they would find life boring and adults are completely OK to not always want to coo at how cute our children are and their cute antics are- sometimes we want to watch a movie in peace, or eat dinner without your kids screaming and looking over our shoulder over the booth of the restaurant. We are not evil or unthinking baby haters that sit in dark room plotting ways to make the world a place where children are neither seen nor hear (Arrested Development). All mothers and fathers out there- the world does not revolve around you and your children. If you agreed to be in someone’s wedding then do what you promised and take care of your home responsibilities as needed. But give us all a break. On the other side- those of you without kids- humor your friends with kids –ask us how Jr. is doing even if you could care less, say the pictures are cute. How about we all promise to try to have more the one dimension and more then one way of looking at the world. There is a time and place for kids – so if you child free adult are horrendously stuck at Chucky chesses something I still shudder about or are going through a grocery store and my son gives you one of his 100 kilowatt smiles it doesn’t hurt to smile back and maybe even mutter that he is cute. If my three year old says “hi” to you – it won’t kill you to say hi back- after all you’d do that for any adult. I’ll in return keep my children out of movies that have a higher then G rating, fancy restaurants, kid free weddings, and when we eat out at a typical restaurant I’ll try hard to have my three year old not stand up and pull your hair over the booth or walk over to you at your table and otherwise annoy you and if my baby screams his guts out I will bring him out of the restaurant to try to calm him down- if he is back and screaming in the restaurant or store I promise it is only because I don’t have a choice and sometimes you just have to eat or need that gallon of milk and you know what- I promise my night will be worse then yours given that Jr is coming home with me in his or her mood from hell.

What kind of Mom are you?

2006-10-11T14:42:00.000-04:00

I don't know about this but I like the way it sounds

Are You a Slacker Mom?

Your quiz results make you a Zen Mom

How do you do it? Even when explosions are all around, you are able to take a deep cleansing breath and chant your mantra "this too shall pass." You are a calming influence on your kids in a hectic world.

Take this free personality test by Clicking Here>> or going to www.areyouaslackermom.com

The line between me and her

2006-10-02T10:27:00.000-04:00

There are lots of philosophies about parenting - if you were to ask me mine I'd talk a long time but the basic premise would be I beleive my job is to help my kids grow up to be independent, self-sufficient happy adults that can get along in the world. It seems simple but a lot goes along with that- I use cry it out for them to learn how to sleep on their own- and if you ask me where I'd fall on an issue it would usually be for helping them learn to do things on their own- or so I think.

Kailtyn has been going to day care since she was 14 months old- so really very little more then a baby if at all more then a baby. I would take her into the class room and hug her and hand her off to her teahcer and then pretty much leave- see tough mom thinking if I hang around long it will just make it worse and have her cry more. I won't even go into what it was like listening to her cry as I walked through the building that first month- suffice to say pre mom hood I would have scoffed at my severe angst of that. I would have said something along the lines of "you know she is fine 5 minutes after you leave so what is the big deal."

Well for the most part to this day that is still our drop off routine. We have tweaked it some and reasoned together some so that many times there aren't tears but still typically she gets up in my arms, I pass her off, and she cries some as I walk away. On Thursady it started to occur to me that maybe something was up. Well some before then becuase SAHM who just started preschool many of them talk about how their preschool sare set up so you leave your child in line with other kids. I thought hmmm I still take her in, she still needs to go directly to a teacher's arms and there are still some tears. The teachers at her school have been kind enough to accomodate us. So anyway thursday comes and Kaitlyn goes running across the parking lot with me shouting out to be careful and wait for me and make sure no cars are comming. SHe trots as confidentially in through her room on to Owen's room while I carry him trailing behind. We drop Owen off, she walks confidentially through the door and suddenly turn with her sad voice asking "up Please" I pick her up she hugs me and starts to whimper, I find the teacher, hand her off, she cries a little and I go on my way.

Saturday we took her to her first friend's birthday party a friend from day care. At the end of the party - the girls mother who really was a very nice woman and i believe said this with no animosity tells me " I knew which one Kaitlyn was because she is the one who is always crying when you leave" That stopped me in my tracks. Me the one with the kid who still cries, our routine was so different from what the rest of the kids did that it was noticable. But I try to get my kids to be independent - how could this possibly be.

So I decided to use tough love with Kaitlyn and offer her rewards for walking in herself and going to her own seat or playing with the other kids rather then being dropped off directly to the teacher. I figued well we have been doing this for so long it will take a few weeks of shaping to get there (yes I am a Psychologist and yes the term is shaping and I am a nerd) Anyway, the time comes for her room and I have offered her a piece of graham cracker and a sticker for her chart if she does the drop off like I asked. She walks in as confident as anyone, walks to her chair and I go give her her cookie and hug her and tell her how proud I am and then realize I need to leave quickly before I cry.

How could this be- how could it be that it hasn't been her that has needed this routine but me. How can my heart feel so sad that I didn't hold her in my arms and hand her to someone else to hug on her and love her. I am not supposed to want her to be dependent on me I am supposed to be the one who pushes her to her next step, gently as she is ready.

I am never not surprised by what it is like to be a mother to your kids or how many times I make that mistake of not letting there be enough separation between us. Or forgetting that I don't feel like Kaitlyn feels anymore then she feels like I do. She is her own little person a fact I love and think I celebrate but sometimes when I see her do something and she shows not fear, timidity or need from me my heart skips a beat and just how fast this is all going by.

My visa commercial

2006-09-21T10:56:00.000-04:00

It has been overdone but it works for me.

Weight wathchers on-line subscription
16 a month
Curves monthly fee
$16

Being able to fit into pre-pregnancy clothes again

Priceless

Why I love Arrested Development

2006-08-22T11:10:00.000-04:00

There are many reasons why I love it, it is a great show and I am still sad it is canceled. We have been recently re-watching the first two seasons on DVD. Which brings me to one of the reasons why I love this show. I am riding in my car and "Afternoon Delight" comes on the radio. Now normally these cheesy 70's song would make me just switch stations but I smile and laugh- why because of Arrested Development- rent or buy the DVD's and watch it if you don't know why that is funny. So now Afternoon Delight makes me smile as does "The Final Countdown".
Seriously can't blame Fox- it gave the show 3 seasons with low ratings but such a shame that it is canceled.

Too many voices

2006-08-08T10:59:00.000-04:00

I think as parents no mothers have way too many voices telling them how to parent. I don't know when everyone got an opinion and when having an opinion makes you an expert much less an expert that can write a book telling others how to parent. No one really cites the sources anymore - maybe they never did maybe that is just the researcher in me who finds that necessary. But either way regardless of what it is based on - folk wisdom, grandparents experience with their own children, your experience with your children, your experience with god, or just what you think should happen - you feel the need to tell me about it and act like it is literally an instruction book from God on how to raise a perfect child.

I was more or a prey to this with my first child. At around 1 week she woke up and I felt completely overwhelmed with what I should do. No family was with me at the time so I went to what I always do - research. Friends recommended books, I bought them and read them, all of them -all regarding to sleep because any mother of a newborn will tell you - two things matter eating and sleeping and as long as you child is gaining weight normally then you really only care about sleeping. Well people trying to make money know this so many infant books are geared toward getting your baby to sleep through the night. I did this, I found message boards, and talked to friends and family and drove myself totally insane.

I was speaking to my friend an OBGYN and her husband a pediatrician who just had a baby and she went through much the same thing I did but maybe less crazy then me because in my opinion Psychologists are the nuttiest of the bunch. Of course I added my voice- does that help but I tried to add a voice of moderation and reason and that you need to find what works for your family. Who knows it is still a voice that i am sure sounds authoritative to her.

With my son it has been better - it is rare that things get to me but when they do I am just as insane because I love him just as desperately as I love his sister.

But I find now maybe it is the calmness or maybe it is just situations but I get all kinds of opinion from random people on how to raise my children

“Don't vaccinate them”
“Vaccinate them”
“If he doesn't crawl he will be developmentally delayed”
“Crawling doesn't matter”
“The problem with parents today is that they don't spank”
“Never ever hit your child “
“Soy formula and Zantac for reflux is evil”
“Soy formula is best and reflux is a real medical condition “

My mom says when were babies there was one book "Dr. Spock" maybe this is true my mom is someone who always sounds very certain but can't always provide that source when checked. I am sure opinions from well meaning strangers and the older generation were just as present but at least without the internet and 100 books on child rearing there were less voices. Plus it is easier to discount grandma who says put a little rum in their bottle and they will sleep great at night.

So I will add my voice to the mix.

Your children and grandchildren are not my children and please shut up – no I take that back – bring it on – I can take – leave first time moms alone and let them figure it out for themselves- and if you must offer advice then please phrase it as a suggestion with some degree of modesty or cite your damn source – if you are so perfect and right then you should have something beyond your all important thoughts and opinions to back up that kind of advice.

Is nothing sacred?

2006-08-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

I am at work and go down to the public restroom for our whole floor and there is a women in the stall sitting talking on her cell phone - from the smell in the bathroom it was clear she was taking a crap- is there no place anymore that we won't talk on a cell phone!

saying Goodbye

2006-07-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

It is hard to describe her - friend, family, nanny - either way she has been an important part of my life. Carly started with us when Kaitlyn was 1. Almost two years ago exactly. Scott was starting PA school and we had decided on having a nanny instead of putting Kaitlyn in day care. The agency could only find us someone for the summer and was looking for someone to take over for the fall. I liked Carly the minute I read her packet she sent to the nanny agency and liked her even more when I spoke with her and met her. For those who have kids especially moms you know what a big deal it is to find someone you feel comfortable with watching your children. I think it is hard enough to find a babysitter or daycare but honestly it adds a layer of familiarity and difficulty when the person I coming into your home.

Carly was the best. She did a great job those 6 weeks and in that time period we decided that we would be unlikely to find anyone we liked as much and that maybe my then 14 month old would be ready for a nice daycare center down the street from us. That worked out great but Carly continued to baby sit for us occasionally and more importantly she would fill in those times when Kaitlyn was sick and couldn't go to daycare and Scott and I couldn’t' stay home with her because of work/school commitments. I don't think she ever said No when I called her with an emergency - I need help now. We had no family living near us at that point and parenting a small child while one spouse is in school and the other works full time with clinical responsibilities can be challenging.

When we got pregnant with Owen it was worth it for us to work out a schedule with Carly. She watched Owen M, W and Friday and my aunt on Tuesday's and Thursdays. Even with this split it was still more expensive then putting Owen in Daycare full time and keeping Kaitlyn home with him would also have been cheaper. But this was the right solution for our family and I am truly blessed that she was still available to us to do this. She graduated in May but stayed in town for the summer to continue to watch him. She didn't have to, she could have gone home lived with her parents and gotten a part time job and been closer to her boyfriend but I think she had committed to doing this with us so she did. I'll never know what she would have rather done.

She's been good to us, flexible, easy to get along with and most importantly terribly good with my children. When she left us the first time after nannying Kaitlyn I told her "It is hard to leave your kids with anyone but you made it easy." In the world of child care we hit the jack pot with her and she will be thoroughly missed.

But now onto Owen's next chapter - I can only hope it works out as well for him as it did for my little girl.

Goodbyes are tough - We'll miss you

Never say Never

2006-07-18T10:22:00.000-04:00

I think when you get to the point when you buy a minivan there is really no more denying where you are in life. The funny thing is the progression. I went from "I"ll never get a minivan" as a married child free person and I was so brazen as to say never an SUV either. Then when I was pregnant with my first we bought a CRV - which I quickly loved. But never would we need anything bigger. Then after we had baby girl slowly the thoughts started- maybe it wouldn't be too bad - a necessary evil. After all there is just so much crap you need to bring with you.

Then pregnant with number 2 I told husband we should get one. But we didn't. Number 2 comes and try as we might- two car seats take up our whole back seat. If me, my husband, 2 kids and Aunt or anyone else wants to go somewhere it means two cars. So we look month ago. We decide no not yet but we resigned ourselves to the fact. Bigger SUV's just don't do it. All you single people and child free marrieds and even those with 1 kid are probably still saying never. Well if you have anymore and you stick with never then more power to you.

For me not only have I caved but I already am excited about our new purchase.

This takes me so far away from the person I was before I had kids that I am not sure that we would always know each other if we met.

But she is still there enough becasue as soon as these kids can drive I am getting some impractical non family friendly car that seats two or 3 in a pinch.

SAHM

2006-07-17T15:20:00.000-04:00

It is funny I spent a good deal of time feeling that the group of women who decided to stay at home with their kids(SAHM)looked down on me or thought me less of a mother. All in all I think it is nice to have the luxury of having this debate since many families can't. But I swear if I hear one more time - I couldn't bear to leave my child, or I don't want someone else raising my child, or my favorite if you aren't going to raise them don't have them I might go insane. And then poof it went away in the last few months. I am happy. I am happy with my job, I am happy with my husband and I am happy with my relationship with my kids. They truly wouldn't be any better off and probably would be worse off if I were home with them full time. This I believe in my whole heart. I felt good about the decisions I made about what I want to model to my child particular my daughter yesterday.

She has gotten into what I guess seems to be a normal little girl stage of mothering her doll Suzy - which I am sure has been heightened by her seeing me with her baby brother. She is a good mother to Suzy and often discusses how she is Suzy's mom. I actually said to Scott yesterday I hope that she doesn't just want to be a mother when she grows up. Ouch bad statement right but it really isn't the way it sounds. I don't care - well I don't care much if she works or not but I want her to have an identity and a passion outside of being a mom. I want her to have things she loves and other ways she feels passionately she wants to contribute to the world and enjoy her life beyond being someone's mom. If that is your own identity it is a fairly thankless job that is also time limited. Kids grow up and if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing they will be independent and not need you the same way. Who will you be then?

Now I am sure different moms worry that their girls will end up being too career driven and not raise a family and miss out on all that wonder. I remember one mother talking about her daughter going to college but not wanting her to pursue a career like law or medicine that might keep her from having kids or staying at home with them. I know people who don't have kids and I think they can live a wonderful fulfilling life. But of course my secret fear is that Kaitlyn will embrace the opposite of me- she will be ultra religious and a much more traditional mother. I know some traditional moms that are fantastic. They have fantastic relationships with their husband and it really works for them so it isn't a blanket judgment as much as it is a "I don't want me and my daughter to be so different that we have nothing in common." Hmmm maybe that is what it is on the other end too - mom's who don't want their daughters to pursue big careers when they chose focusing primarily on child-raising because they will feel lost from their child.

I think what makes it work for some couples and why it wouldn’t work for me is that doing this requires and acceptance and appreciation of traditional gender roles. So whoever decides to stay at home with their children, maintains the home and cares for the kids and the one who works primarily provides income needed to live. I would get into trouble because if I stayed at home I would still want help cleaning and still expect my husband to get up with the kids when they are sick. I am almost positive he would think that was my job. And I think to my mother who lived this life and she wouldn’t necessarily be described as stoic or martyr esqe. But I don’t recall her complaining about my Dad working lots of hours or traveling a lot or not helping with the kids. It wasn’t done in that day and I am sure it never occurred to her to be unhappy about it. Not saying it was right but it is what that current set up is based on.

Now I find myself angry at some of the complaints I hear from SAHM's - and I think it is because I have been the primary earner in our family the last two years and though I feel very appreciated by husband I feel what kind of pressure that is. I feel like sometimes people say they want more traditional roles and want their husband's to understand how hard their day is with endless laundry and crying kids but they don't afford the same empathy back to their spouse.

Yes I get away and yes it is very nice to pee in piece and have adult conversation. But it is work and since I am not a traditional working Dad but a working mom which means that I do a whole lot for my kids and the house without a second thought (my husband is not a traditional working dad he does the other half of the work around our house- we have what I believe to be the only reasonable solution when both parents work but one that I know many working moms don't enjoy). So I am tired and pulled in a lot of different directions and have a lot of expectations from both sides of the fence. My husband usually gets that my job is important- he would say always but I will say usually because we have that fight about who's thing is more important to do vs. taking child to doctor or staying home with sick kid. Anyway he gets it and still sometimes on bad days I feel like I fail it all. Just like I feel sorry for moms who are staying home with their kids if their husbands are coming home with a check list like my dad did "did you get to the bank? - To the Store? is the laundry done? where is dinner? why is the house a mess" Well that sucks- your husband clearly isn't getting what you do. He doesn't get how hard and unpredictable life with small children can be. I feel even worse when they end up having to justify why they want a night out with some friends or gasp a weekend away from their child.

But on the other hand I also don't know if the other side (SAHM) if all of them get what the pressure is like to be the sole income for the family. Many SAHM pay bills but I pay the bills in our house and it often stresses me out how much things cost and how little we really have for what I do. Oh we are doing fine but still. But I can't imagine what it would be like to call to say I would be late and get criticized and then to come home and help and have my parenting criticized. Or to have someone take my child from me "to do it right"

I think lots of men can be jerks but lots of women really need to take a step back and say if I want to be understood then why am I not trying to understand.

But back to my daughter who loves to mother her doll. I figure it is going OK for our family right now when she got on her car last night and said "Bye bye, I have to go buy food for Suzy and then I am going to work - See you later- I will miss you"
Maybe she can do what she wants when she grows up and at least not give a flying crap about the judgment from anyone else or even judgment form me. After all I realized a long time ago that she was far wiser then I.

The opposite of tantrums - the sweet moments

2006-07-14T16:03:00.000-04:00

Living with a 3 year old is challenging so I figured I would share some of the sweet side.
Yesterday Kaitlyn got a haircut-

The guy wasn’t great with kids but she was a really trooper didn’t cry or anything so I was feeling pretty warm toward her and wanted to reward her. So we were going to the grocery store to get a free balloon. On the way we passed a florist - so I stopped to let her look in the window- she loves flowers and calls them butterflies. She saw some red roses and said “I want to get a butterfly for Daddy.” I resisted my urge to say no and instead thought how sweet and said yes- she then said she wanted to get a butterfly for Daddy and Mommy and didn’t add herself until we were in the store for a few minutes. So we ended up getting 4 red roses one for Daddy, Mommy, Kaitlyn and Aunt MO. She was pretty pleased with herself and gave them to everyone.
She also daily gets me presents of wood chips or sand on the play ground- I can’t lie and say I wish it weren’t always red roses but it is something to go in to pick her up at day care and have her run to get me twigs and wood chips proudly saying she has a present for me. BTW no one else gets these presents but me, if someone else picks her up she brings them home and gives them to me when I get home from work.

Family Planning

2006-06-23T09:53:00.000-04:00

No this isn't an announcement. For me what is intersting is my reaction to this and it highights the biggest reason why we are done having kids. I don't want Owen to ever wear this shirt because I want him to be my youngest and not the middle child.

I have found something intersting that for me anyway the question of when to stop having children is almost as difficult as the when to start- how much harder is it for people who aren't even sure they want kids at all- they then have potential 3 difficult decisions to make
1) Kids yes or no
2) If yes when
3 When to stop

See for me I always wanted 3 and my husband always wanted 2. After Kaitlyn was born I wanted 2 and he wanted 1. After Owen was born I think he lays his head down every night saying I am glad that is done and don't we have the perfect family. He is right -we do. But women or at least me don't think like that about any decision. Almost any decision that is more major then what to have for lunch (sometimes I have trouble with that) is met with an endless analysis of all possible solutions. So for me I have been so sure that he is right- we have the perfect family we won the lottery we got exactly what we wanted and having more just doesn't make sense. I could go into all the rationale reasons why.

But once you have kids things become more about them and those reasons are what drives you.

So I never wanted Kaitlyn to be an only child- I wanted her to have the joys and yes the challenges of having a sibling- it was important to me.

But for Owen- I don't want him to be the middle child. I figure he already lost at on all that indiviual attention she got those first 2 1/2 years, he will never be the sole focus of our attention and he will always have to compete with her. That is good for him but it is also sad. For me I am not all that young in the world of pregnancy so if we wanted a 3rd we'd have to start trying like last week. That would mean there would be a possibility for Owen and baby 3 to be merely 16 months apart. While some might love that and speak to the wonder that is a close age gap not only does it sound horrendous to me but it robs him of his babyhood and his specialness in our family. There is only so many hours in the day and so much attention you can give your kids between a demaning newborn and 3 year old poor Owen would lose a lot.

But all in all this is all summed up in my husband's favorite analogy - at our home we prefer to keep a man to man defense instead of moving to a zone.

Why Owen is great

2006-06-15T21:18:00.000-04:00

There are lots of reasons but currently I just can't beleive how much he rewards me for letting go. Nursing has not been the easiest for me. But around 3 months or maybe 4 months it all turned around. It was easier after the frist 6 weeks but the obsessing didn't stop until about 4 months when I decided to wean him. I figured I made it long enough, pumping at work was a bear so lets be done with it. But I was torn. I dropped both pumping session and then tried to drop the night and morning feeding he got with me and he wanted nothing to do with it. so I said fuck it - let him nurse and if I lose my supply well that is what I wanted anyway.

This started the best time we ever had nursing together and it truly has been wonderful and all the things women who like breastfeeding yammer on about. I won't bore you with it because honestly it isn't for everyone so do what you want.

So I never thought we would make it this long and I had planned an 10 year anniversary trip away with my husband. It never occurred to me in a million years he would still be nursing. So I started to think - should I wean him, should I pump when I'm away- I don't want to pump and then after a week he refuses to nurse. Pumping milk for your baby with a breast pump and romantic just don't go together. I started to worry and obsess again- I planned on weaning him after the 10th and just said Fuck it again. Owen will do what he needs to and if I need to pump when I'm away so be it. I'll adjust.

Well right after we got back from our trip on the 12 - all weekend long he nursed so much I thought he'll never be done with this and I was OK with that. But anyway since Monday he has had very little interest in nursing. None yesterday, once today and slowly I see myself being done with this and maybe in time for this trip that is a week and half away.

Who'd have thought that he would know just what to do and I wouldn't need to plan it out. Crazy little boy.

Siblings

2006-05-31T13:24:00.000-04:00

It is interesting to watch my kids become siblings. Yes of course the day Owen was born he had a sister and she had a brother but like two islands in the stream the two had little to do with each other. Kailtyn has moved from Owen is an intersting toy to well I don't know where she is now. But she has the ability to be the sweetest girl in the whole world and then just what any good sister will be- here are some incidents that have amused me or made me think lately

1. Owen was playing with her pooh book that plays music - this is one of her favorite books- she is going to bed and Dad says- Kaitlyn get your book- I glare at him and say well Owen was playing with it. She like any good almost 3 year old says "no mine" and takes it away. I sigh to myself and feel bad for my infant son. She comes running out a minute later with a different book - also one of her favorites and gives it to Owen.

2. It is bed time which can be hectic - I am getting Kaitlyn ready for bed, Dad is entertaining Owen before his bath - but chores call and he is also ironing. Kaitlyn finishes her bath and we are working on getting ready for bed- I go to get her medicine while Owen screams and Dad says "owen I'll be right there" Suddenly he stops crying which actually gets our attention and I look and hear Kaitlyn saying "it is OK Owen I am here" I am here and she is holding his hand.

Heartbreakingly beautiful.

But the flip side

Sibling rivlary

Kailtyn thinks sharing with Owen means taking his stuff and we had actually gotten Owen his own copy of Goodnight moon- Kaitlyn's is wron and broken down from lots of reads and I figured he could use his own copy. Yesterday she took his copy and gave him the old broken beat up copy.

Owen is 6 months old- he pulls hair, pulls at faces, shirts whatever. Kaitlyn has already uttered the words - Mommy his is touching me- complete with long wail.

Last night he was desperate to play with her- he is reaching out, cooing doing all his great baby stuff that most adults find fairly irresistable. She looks at him as if he were a bug and cries and whines because he is touching her leg.

I don't know if my heart broke because I can't stand for anyone to reject either of my kids or if because I am the youngest and I know how it feels when your cool older sibling totally blows you off when you want so much to play. No books or offers to make it all better with Owen were offered by tired cranky girl who was very put out that little brother is no longer a toy but seems to be more and more a person who is capable of moving, touching her, pulling her hair and in general being a little brother and not a doll.

And last night for fun I put this big girl in my arms and rocked her like a baby and she laughed and laughed- Scott said he swore he saw jealosy in Owen's eyes

Ah so it begins -

Same goal new outlook

2006-05-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

A have a good cyber friend who has been undergoing an exercise/fitness program the same time as me. Check her out if you will she is quite inspirational
http://www.fromfatgirltotriathlete.blogspot.com/

I am also exercising but my primary goal is to lose weight- specifically the weight I put on gestating my 2nd born. He is a cutie but he left a lot behind when he moved out. So I read her blog and think I wish I could do it for my health rather then for vanity.

Let's see a quick review of my weight history- in general I am proud of what I have accomplished
Until college - normal weight (let's not struggle with defining it- you get an image)
College- first two years embraced the freshman fifteen so much figured I'd do it twice
Jr year- started exercising, learning some basic diet info and lost back down to healthy weight.
Master's program - Villanova University - this is the definition of hell, seriously go there and hang out with the psychologists and you'll say you gained weight I can't believe you didn't end up in a coma from a drug overdose, gained 20 lbs
Got married/stopped smoking/parents divorce- good old emotional eating with a husband that is naturally skinny- gained 20 more lbs.
8 months after marriage- went on health lifestyle changes- small changes to diet lots of exercise, in 1 year lost 44 lbs
- kept if off for 5 years
- got pregnant with daughter
- returned to prepregnancy weight after 9 months
- moving, and some other issues gained 10-15 lbs
-- Pregnant with son

And here I am- with that some 40 lbs to lose that I lost all those years ago- seriously I am almost at the same exact weight and I have since Feb lost 15 lbs.

I was always proud of myself that I lost weight in a healthy moderate way and kept it off. My family is also prone to obesity in many ways so I was proud that I had found a way to beat both the nature and nurture involved n that.

But what I have always wanted was to be doing it for my health rather then my appearance. I have never been successful in that. Even after K was born I thought I want a better body image and I want to be happy with how I look and I want it to be about health - but it wasn't not primarily anyway.

What's more is what irritates me the most that except for when I started running with my best friend from grad school and really tones up I have never been happy with how I look in pictures. Even now when I look back on some of those pictures I still can tell you what parts of my body I am unhappy with or look "fat".

I have sworn this time that when I get to my goal that I will be happy with myself because it is quite clear to me that I am really the only one who gives a shit. Seriously I gained 20 lbs by halfway through my preg and was told that I didn't look pregnant or any heavier. Life is way too short to worry about this. And it is especially too short too look at happy pictures of yourself with your children and think - fat arms, my hair looks bad and do I really look that fat in real life. I hope I can get there because honestly it irritates me.

I do a lot of research in obesity. I know the health benefits of losing weight. A 5% weight loss decreases your chance of developing diabetes, improves your lipid profile, and blood pressure. 10% is even better. I have currently lost 7% of my body weight. Which ironically is the number that a large study showed that losing 7% of your body weight, following a low fat/low calorie diet and engaging in 30 minutes of physical activity 5 days a week reduced at risk individuals chances of developing diabetes even better then medication.

Have I focused on that - NO

Have I focused that the #1 killer of women heart disease will be dramatically reduced in my with achieving and maintaining and healthy weight and exercising like I do - No

Would I tell my patients too? Yes

Would I tell them that in my situation sure it would be great if you lost more weight and quite preferable but that I have already significantly reduced my risk factors - Yes

So why am I such a hypocrite.

Oh there are tons of reasons and excuses and sadly I know that my poor thinking will come back - but looking at statistics of heart disease today I had a moment when I thought- hey look how good I've already done for my health and look how good I will do when I get to my goal. That means I have a better chance of seeing my daughter and son, marry, see my grandkids marry and hold my great grandchildren. How great is that!

My uncle who I love as one of my most favorite people in the world died before Kaitlyn was born from complications from knee surgery. I have always believed and there is lots of data to support that his obesity was a complicating factor that contributed to his death. Did I love him any differently because he was heavier- nope in fact in some ways his love of food was a joining factor for us. Do I say this to blame him? Nope- Do I blame him - not really even a second. I just miss him. And I don't want to miss more things in my life because of weight which also means missing enjoying myself and how I look because of some dark cloud in my head that whispers- you look so fat,

Life is just too short and precious.

When will it end

2006-04-24T20:35:00.000-04:00

Do you want to know how long my daughter has been sick - just exactly as long as my son has been alive. Really the day he was born she visited us at the hospital with a stuffy nose. Maybe 12-14 days total has she been completely well since then - this is when husband interjects that I am exaggerating she has had more then just 12 healthy days - but even if you go with his estimate she has been sick with some sort of cold a whole lot since Owen was born.

So now another doctor visit later and she has pneumonia which is actually impossible to believe the way she runs around laughing and happy. like this.

Hubby says - "next time I'll just lie and say she has another ear infection."

Hmmm that should be an interesting fight.

well August marks 2 years of day care and I expect to see the decrease in these constant illnesses I have been promised.

tickers

2006-03-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

We'll see if it works - the breast feeding one is a little annoying and redundant but I have breast fed him this long I might as well take credit.

What my kids have taught me

2006-03-21T11:01:00.000-05:00

Now they have taught me more then I can ever say but one of the very biggest is
"Go with the flow" Whenever I remember this we all do much better. Kaitlyn started the big lesson - she had the hardest work to do with her Type A mom and she is just as stubborn in exactly the same way as her dad. It is a quiet stubbornness like leading the horse to water but not being able to make it drink. Oh her and S go happily enough to the water but if they don't want to drink well they won't.

So anyway Kaitlyn did the heavy lifting and Owen is putting the finishing touches on.

Case in point, I agonized last week- should I wean Owen or just cut down to morning and afternoon feedings. I decided to quit but wanted to drop feedings slowly. My plan was to be done completely with breast feeding by Thursday. Owen has other plans and has voted for a.m. and p.m. feeds and I find that I have easily thrown out my weaning plan- who am I? It is so unlike me to give up a plan and a goal.

But I'll tell you a secret- Owen is stubborn like his mom not his dad.

We are a loud and angry stubborn and I have had a migraine since Sunday so really who needs to listen to him scream

To pump or not to pump

2006-03-15T15:28:00.000-05:00

Otherwise known as weaning is so hard to do. Owen and I have made it nursing much longer then I ever expected- he is 4 months old and will be 17 weeks on Friday- if I make it until 18 weeks I will have officially breast fed him 3 times as long as his sister. Given his huge appetite and my inability to pump much at work - we have decided our next step is to wean him down to only nights and morning feedings and we will see from there were we go. Most of me knows it is time and probably time to go beyond that and stop breast feeding entirely (but there is no way I am going cold turkey like last time too painful) but no matter what there is always a part that says- no don't give it up keep going - keep going. So my second pumping session that I normally do has come and gone and I sit here trying to make myself not do it- it is all psychological I know that this one day would make no differnce then have been a couple of days I could only pump once at work but this is the first that I could have but am not since I am trying to wean down 1 pumping session then I'll drop the first one and we will be at night and morning feeds.

Before I didn't stop because Owen wasn't ready even when I was- now I think he'd generally be just fine if we stopped nursing. Yeah Yeah I know all the benefits but honestly he'd be fine. In that I mean I don't think he'll miss it the way I think he once would have. He is starting some cereal which is just bound to drive my supply down even a little more and there is a time when you need to say what is best for everyone and you say hey let me have my body back. But all in all I remind myself right now we aren't stopping completely and really for the most part I feel like I am just following his lead and taking him where he needs to go.

Don't get me wrong ambivalence is normal but such a bitch. I will always miss this once it is gone but there are so many things of babyhood that are really a royal pain but yet you still miss when they are gone. Especially since he is our last.
Feels weird to write it but according to our plans he is our last. Who could need or want more than him and Kaitlyn.

Reasons why my husband is great

2006-03-03T13:19:00.000-05:00

OK these will be mostly family related and he has lots of great traits and does great things that won't be mentioned- but give me a break - we have an almost 4 month old and almost 3 year old - he's in school and I just went back to work- little is in our life but how do we pay for these kids and take care of them.
So here goes some things from the top of my head that he has done that has been extra great

1. He worked a rotation that had a 1 hour commute one way - had to be there at 8 and if he was lucky he left at 7. Whenever he came home he did everything he could to help with K or O as much as possible -including getting O to bed and offering to get up with him if he got up.

2. O started getting up lately btw 4 and 5 a.m. with nursing it just makes more sense that I should nurse him rather then he get a bottle - husband not only goes and gets O and changes him but realizes that my sleep is more disrupted then his since I am up with him longer- appreciates that I do it and offeres to stay up until 11 so I can go to bed earlier. This is big since we have talked on and off about when to stop nursing and he could easily be like "well you chose to keep doing it so you deal with the lack of sleep"

3. This a.m. O got up at 5, I tried to go get him to give husband a break - he wakes up and says oh do you want me to get him - I say no don't worry you have a test today I'll go - he says no I don't mind and goes and does it - this is huge I probably would have rolled over and said thanks sweetie!

4. Next rotation he will have to work mondays 12-8 but can be home with O in the a.m. - I said you have a lot of studying to do why not just keep the nanny there and go do some studying - he says maybe I'll do that some but he wants to spend time with his son - doesn't sound like much go to just about any mom's board and you will hear lots of stories of dad's who can't be bothered.

5. My birthday is in a little over a week he is planning a sitter and a night out for me. Not only that but he thought it would be nice to leave O for longer then usual but checked with me to make sure I wouldn't mind leaving him that long.

6. He has offered to drop K off at daycare when he can do it.

7. We decide on new sleep plan for baby who recently started waking again - I offer to stay up with him so hubby can get his sleep and he says it doesn't matter whatever you want- have I mentioned that regular sleep isn't something we have been able to count on since November.

8. He has made time over the past 4 weeks of being away so much to go out with K on his own so she could have some special time with her daddy.

9. He appreciates me and makes me feel beautiful.

10 - Yesterday the first day he got off soon - he picked K up took her to the playground, came home took care of O and K and made dinner

Well those are 10 of at least 1000 I can talk about right now

Thanks sweetie- I really appreicate all you do for me and our family.

Having a hard day

2006-03-02T12:50:00.000-05:00

In general leaving Owen has been easier and harder then I thought it would be. I am starting to realize that that is the 100% essential truth of parenting - this impossibility of things never being quite what you expect and simultaneously being good and bad. The no easy answers and the no matter how hard you try obsessing about things that probably don't matter. I always wonder about my parents generation. My mom didn't seem riddled with angst over decisions such as
Is my baby eating too much?
Is my baby eating too little?
Should I stay at home?
Should I work?
If yes to work - full time, part time etc

She seemed so sure of herself as a parent and honestly like she had bigger and better things to worry about then the minutiae of my life. But I was her 3rd child. Owen is my second and I already see myself so much calmer and easier going then I was with K. But now I drop her off at daycare with hardly a second thought- I know she is OK there, I know she likes it there- how - well she is happy playing when I get there and she can tell me. I like that Owen is staying at his home with one person comming in be it his regular nanny or his Aunt to love and take care of him. The few days my aunt can't do it I have found one of the best replacements I could find- K's teacher of over a year who has honestly been my favorite teacher she has ever had which is saying a lot because for the most part I have loved them all.

But today though I know he is in great hands I miss him so bad. I honestly miss him and am more worried about him then the first day I left him. When I left him the first time the day was so crazy and busy being back that I honestly didn't realize I missed him until I got home and held him and felt his soft hair on my chin and smelled his baby Owen smell. Then my heart broke into a thousand pieces realizing I hadn't had this all day. Then after a few days things go easier and I felt happy to be productive at work again and I felt like he was adjusting well to his new situation. Then out of the blue a full two weeks and 1 day later I feel worse then when I first left him. I don't know if it is because I worked at home yesterday morning and saw him more but it can'tbe just that because I have been lucky to do that 1 other day and the next day back wasn't worse.

Oh well 1 more day until Friday and then I am home with them both for the weekend which I am sure will be better and worse then I expect.

Is it worth it

2006-02-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

I have never liked any of the titles for this blog but to be fair the first title was used for something I thought I would try once and never try again, then when I returned I was pg and felt like Owen needed to be included so I quickly added his 1/2 - well now he is a whole and the new title sucks but I find myself way busier then usual and well sitting and thinking of a title didn't seem as important as posting but keeping him a 1/2 when he is 3.5 months old seemed wrong.

Now for my random thoughts mostly brought on by a conversation with one of my very Best friends - Both these things probably can't be explained in words but I'll give it a go.

"The Rage"
Now I don't find myself an overly angry person - I certainly have a temper I am not denying that but I have actually done anger management classes with individuals and overall I am not a rageful/angry person. But I do experience something caused "the rage" not sure if it is universal but I know this one friend knows of what I speak. Not sure if my husband does only because I am not sure he experiences personally though he certainly has seen me display signs of it.

So basically most of the time I feel like a fairly reasonable person. I do have a temper but getting angry in regards to something that should make you angry like a fight with spouse or a friend is not the feelings I am speaking of. You are closer if you think of your spouse or sig other leaving his shoes in the middle of the damn floor and you trip over them and think of ways you could insert the shoe into his body or beat him or her senseless with it but still not quite "the rage" I don't know when I started calling it this but I do remember when my friend was relating an incident of when she felt it and she had that look I get when I think of past incidents of it and I said "oh yeah the rage" the look on her face made me realize I had met my kindred spirit.

So my best most recent example. I love my son, he is a good child, he sleeps well for someone his age and he is in general a happy sweet easy tempered little boy. My husband is a great guy who has been since working this crazy rotation that brings him home long after most toddler and baby tasks have been done kindly staying up with said wonderful son to make sure he gets to sleep and then agrees to get up with him should he wake during the night-which for the most part he hasn't. Baby boy sleeps quite nicely from 9:30 until anywhere between 6:30 and 7:30 - which is again quite good for a 3 month old. So Friday night comes and husband and I stay up until around 11:30 at which point baby boy starts making some noise. I think awww crap he is going to be up tonight (reasonable response to the clue you are going to be losing sleep after 3 months of sleep deprivation). This starts a process in parenthood that is little understood but translates into I can't sleep because I am worried my child won't stay asleep. This is why usually husband or I stay up until we are pretty sure either child we are waiting on is good and dead to the world because it is just more troublesome to get up from a deep sleep instead of staying up and watching mindless TV. At least for us. So I say to husband- you take tonight's shift and get up with him and I will take tomorrow night. But still the damage is done and it takes me a good hour or so to stop listening for either child and fall deep asleep. Well at 5:15 baby boy is awake and bam out of nowhere

THE RAGE
I am so damn angry - not at him not at husband just pissed - it is a force that is beyond reason or meaning in my life and directly over the top of what is called for in the situation. See 5:15 really means I am going to get him because I still nurse this child and it so close to his normal wake time that someone else going to him isn't going to work well. I can give logical reasons why I would be angry or annoyed-I love to sleep late, hate to get up early, the first at least 8 weeks of a child's life you don't get much sleep if any, then he has only been sleeping well for a few weeks since a stretch when he didn't sleep well at all for 2 weeks, I am tired, back to work - there are tons of reasons for a normal reaction but nothing quite justifies the level of intensity that is the rage. Hubby nicely say - do you want me to get him - nice thing should help poor guy too asleep to realize I had gone to the dark place so I start cursing and saying some mean stuff which makes little sense I am sure. He says "well I could get him and feed him formula or try to get him back to sleep" I sort of stump out taking deep breaths as I approach baby boys room again thinking mean things that are unjustified because he is right those are reasonable and very nice things he is offering.

I go into this beautiful boys room and "the rage" is gone as quick as it came. He smiles at me, we give him a quick change and then break all the previous rules I had with poor big sister and bring him to bed in which I nurse him back to sleep and he snuggles up against me. I have maybe 1/4 inch of the bed because whenever I move away he snuggles in closer to me. I actually face away from him so the smell of food won't keep him awake and wanting to eat- he will eat whenever he possibly can and while I drift off I feel him move his head back and forth and his snuggles in tighter to me.

So this whole experience answers a question asked of me while I was complaining about the strain that has been trying to care for 2 while returning to work and having a husband very busy in school.

"Is it worth it "

HELL YEAH!

It is a strange world

2006-01-31T09:49:00.000-05:00

It is a strange world we live in. My son is now over 11 weeks old and rapidly approaching his 3 month mark. He is a sweet perfect little boy. Unlike his sister he nursed like a champ like his sister he didn't gain weight well his first month of life. This is fine - we actually know how to help this and he is on track and doing wonderful topping 11 lbs now. But this whole part of baby rearing has made me realize that we live in a messed up world when it comes to weight. For some reason fat chubby babies are the pride and joy and the way to be. Parents get this look of pride in their eyes when they discuss how their kid is x number of lbs and over the 90th percentile or even better off the charts. There is this underlying message- if your baby is chubby you are doing something right. It is proof that you are giving him or her the nourishment he or she needs to thrive and live. More pride is probably assoicated with this weight gain when breast feeding but parents who pour formula into a bottle and feed baby seem just as proud. Not knocking formula feeding, We supplemented both kids early - Owen at day 2, and Kailtyn was solely formula fed from 6 weeks on and we were proud when she gained because she was a finicky eater even with formula.

But the weird thing about this is that this pride and joy with having fat healthy babies is replaced by this hatred of our bodies and fat in later childhood, adolescence and adulthood. We go from being a society proud of our chubby big babies to worshiping size zero models. Ironically neither is probably right or healthy or more importantly why isn't there room in the world to embrace diversity - that a health weight in a baby either small or large is something to celebrate just as much as in our teens and ourselves. I say this as someone who daily tries to not hate the image in the mirror which is still quite a bit larger then the pre-Owen me. He is worth but really has my value as a mother, wife, or psychologist changed in anyway beause I carry extra weight from him. Will anyone other then me really care all that much when I do lose the baby weight. Yet I spend a good portion of time feeling bad, trying not to feel bad and waiting for the scale to give me a break. I gained 20 lbs but didn't show much during the first 2/3 or preg - people commented on wow you look great and don't look like you gained any weight. I though hmmmm 20 lbs why do I worry about this so much. Apprarently I am the only one who does.

Then I take my beautiful healthy boy out and someone with babies asks - how old is he. I say 11 weeks and they say - "Oh he looks really small for his age" I say well yeah and then usually say he didn't gain for the first month. He doesn't need any explanation is healthy and happy at the lower percentiles for weight - that shouldn't require any explanation or apology just like your babby at the 95% shouldn't. The funny thing is like my weight this is just a passing comment someone is making to make conversation and comment on my boy - whom I don't think looks small but I am not pissed and so invested when someone say "oh he has a lot of hair or look at those blue eyes- honestly for the person making the comment commenting on him being small for his age is probably no different then saying - "oh he has a lot of hair for such a little baby. He does - maybe I would feel different if he had no hair and someone said look how cute he is the little cueball. Mabybe but I don't think hair has the same emotional wallop as weight does in our society.

Additions

2005-11-10T13:45:00.000-05:00

Hmmm the addition is finally done- both additions I hope. The room is complete and looks quite ncie even if it did take 7 weeks instead of 2, the house is clean and set up and tonight we are giving baby boy his walking papers- we go in to start the induction 12:00 a.m.- hopefully it will go smoothly and quickly and we will be holding him soon. Kailtyn wore her I am going to be a big sister t shirt for the last time today as tomorrow we hope she will be a big sister. No way to describe how it feels. I just hope it all goes well and he is healthy.

Random Ramblings

2005-10-27T09:13:00.000-04:00

It is funny what we obsess about as parents and what's more what we judge and want to change about what our parents did with us. Maybe that is why we obsess so much because we think back about what we didn't like or did like and are consumed to be perfect at it. I came to a conclusion a long time ago that still sounds terrible when I say it out loud but I am far from a perfect parent and if I can do good enough then I'll be happy with that. Now K probably won't and she'll keep her list of all I do wrong and try to do better. More power to her but I do hope she learns one thing that has come to me in the past few months.

1. You can screw up a great deal as a parent and if you truly love your kids you can make up for a lot of that.
2. Having your own life and needs and taking care of them doesn't make you less of a good parent as long as they don't become first in your life at the expense of your child taking care of your own identity probably makes you a better parent.
3. Whether you work, stay at home, work from home what really makes you a good parent is what you do -otherwise known as quality time vs. Quantity time. I don't know that I always agree with that argument but I do think it is what you do when you are with your child that makes the difference not necessarily what aspects of yourself and identity you are exploring.
4. There are people who are way better parents then I am and people who are way worse. This is a truth of life- no matter what you are looking at there is probably someone who is better then you and others that are worse. I can think of a few exceptions to this rule like Gold Winning Athletes etc, but if you open up things enough then you find someone who has something better then you. So Michael Jordan may be the best basketball player ever but in some other area of his life he really sucks- trust me we all aren't good at everything. So when you look back on your childhood - yeah your parents may have screwed up royally or they may be the best ever but all in all there are others out there that had it worse or better so don't waste too much time whining or trying to fix it. After all if you just try to do the opposite of what your mom and dad did you'll miss the things they got right.

Hope

2005-10-24T14:46:00.000-04:00

Well the construction begins post will be 6 weeks ago this Wed. It has been slow and steady for the most part but for a job that I was told would go by quickly 2, 4 weeks tops, and having less than 4 weeks until my due date- which is history repeated itself I'd have this baby in 3 weeks, This friday night after they didn't get done what they intended I think I pretty reasonably paniced. Today things look better, they are working on the walls, looking at floor tiles, and he says it should be done on Friday, Saturday at the latest- I'll take it and shut up and not mention we are already almost 2 weeks late. If it is done by this weekend who give a crap about these two weeks. Not only that but overnight it got cold here for our standards- no joke yesterday probably was a high of high 80's and maybe low in high 60s and today they estimate a high of 69. Not a big deal for adults but when all of K's winter clothes are from a year ago you are kind of in bad shape. So I went shopping for her on my lunch break and got tons of stuff at a good deal. I have now ensured that it will be hot tomorrow and that I will be bitching on this blog next week about how this work still isn't done. Or the converse I am nicely asking baby boy to stay put until Sunday which will ensure that now he will be a week late but for now I'll just be happy - they are working on the room again which is progress and I got to buy tons of cute toddler girl clothes. For me that makes a good day.

Breastfeeding and child rearing

2005-10-19T10:21:00.000-04:00

I am pretty goal oriented person and not to sound too full of myself since it is really anal compulsiveness when I set my mind to a goal I usually get there. When I was pregnant with K- I looked at internet and parent book literature (I add this becasue I think one of the main points i will be making here is how a lot of that is usually a load of crap and is opinion over fact) and decided that of course since breastfeeding was best that is what I would do for my little girl to be. Well remembe I am compulsive so I went to the breastfeeding class, got some books, talked to my friend who had successfully breastfed 2 children and was about to for her third. Now If I always just listened to Val when it came to child rearing my life would be better because she said about most of these parenting and breast feeding books- don't bother they make you more stressed then they help. So I knew it could be "hard" but I thought I'll do it for at least 6 months after all when I set my mind to it it happens.

Now it is hard to say I followed all the rules because no doubt you can read 5 different books and talk to 5 different people and get 10 different "hard and fast this is the way to do this sucessfully answers" But for the most part I fed K on demand the first 2-4 weeks, I had nurses at the hospital and the lactation specialist check our "the most important thing in the world the latch" it was great she was eating and we sucessfully initated a breast feeding relationship. Hooray- hooray, hooray. Then comes the kicker - it is hard, I am tired and beat and though there are things I really enjoy about it I'd love a break for at least one feeding a day. Then you get the introduce a bottle if you are going back to work at 2 weeks - not 4 weeks, no 6 - well that is hardly helpful since I had to go back to work at 6 weeks. Then you get how in the world can I pump milk for my husband to take over a feeding when I feed her 12 times a day - really where do you find the time. Pumping stinks I get nothing but still- it is hard but I will do it. K loses weight, doesn't regain to her birth weight by 2 weeks like they want, so lets see her in a week. Well she gains nothing and is becomming increasingly fussy and difficult to deal with. Ped say supplement, OB says hey breastfeeding isn't that important there are more important things you'll give your baby. I say where were you when I was reading how this is the end all be all of being a mom. Medical community get your act together either it is critical or it is optional but don't tell me all these different things. So we are left supplementing after every nursing session. She does well and gains but still seems unsatisfied when eating just from me. After 6 weeks and returning back to work I guilty chuck the whole thing. I think this is when I finished falling in love with my daugther. I loved her from the moment I saw her and enjoyed her but the stress of the newborn stage and the problems with feeding were making me crazy. Once that was gone I felt more like me and since I was me again I could love her all the way. I was more relaxed more happy and started enjoying being a mom.

Flash forward to today. I am going to try nursing this baby because I still beleive that some of the benefits that are touted are important and worth trying to give him. I don't think this is a critical part of my success in mothering this little boy but if I can help him out with some of these things I'd like to. Plus as awful as breastfeeding was for me and K it was really becasue she didn't eat and grew lazier and lazier on the breast. See she would fall asleep and no matter what I did she wouldn't wake up. So she ended up in this vicous cycle of always being a little hungry and cranky and not gaining weight right. But the times she did eat was heavenly. I liked having her close to me like that. So everyone swears every baby is different and this one could eat like a champ. But I don't expect books to have the answer and I actually don't much expect the medical community will support me. None of this helped before so why will it this time. This time if it doesn't work I am going to just let it go. I still ideally would like to give him 6 weeks of some breast milk but if we need to supplement we will, if I need a break from a feeding I'll give him formula and if this ruins my supply or our breastfeeding relationship - "oh well"

See this is all back in the forefront for me again because I did go to the breastfeeding class last night. It was so eye opening after having had a child and listened to many women I know successfully breast feed. They still talk like everything is a fact and their way is the only way when I know for a fact that - if I was speaking to someone other "expert" they'd say something different, my baby was different then what they are talking about and women who have done this with 2 children now had a different experience then their pefect formula.

For instance we got the lecture about how breastfeeding prevents obesity because of the horrors of bottle fed babies "just eating and eating and eating and not being able to stop."
1. From a research perspective I don't doubt that there is a correlation between breast feeding and lower obestiy rates but obesity is such a multifaceted concept that it is ridiculous to say that it has such a large impact. Also I doubt highly that they know exactly why this relationship exists.
2. They never met my daughter- she was about as fussy as eating a bottle as she was breastfeeding. That kid has never ate an ounce of milk or piece of food that she didn't want to eat. My poor husband desperate to help us break the poor weight gain cycle used to spend hours trying to coax her to eat an extra oz or two of formula. Never happened so don't tell me I can bottle force feed a baby. That is silly and wrong.

So I have come to the conclusion that almost all parenting books are opinions not backed by much research. Hospital classes on labor prep and breastfeeding, I don't know quite what is wrong with them but I never got a lot out of them. I think they may try to distill information to such a simple level to make it easily understandable that they lose the complexity of the whole process. There isn't one way to have a baby and there also isn't one way to sucessfully feed a baby.

We'll see maybe I'll end up going to the other side if Baby boy is a champion nurser. But I now feel like this was a big lesson that K blessed me and her father with. She is her own person and will do things her way. We can go with the flow or we can try to make her be what we want her or expect her to be and be miserable and have her still be herself. Hmmm option 2 looks like I gain nothing but stress.

So to all you moms and mom to be out there - love your child and the rest as they say is just background noise.

We're so Lucky- Need I say more

2005-10-17T16:29:00.000-04:00

I thought about writing about pregnancy pains, family illnesses, work blahs etc. But then you look at this picture and realize I am one of the luckiest people in the world

Never mind

2005-10-06T09:24:00.000-04:00

"I made a comment about how I disliked daycare, and "Don't have them , if you won't raise them".

This comment unfortunately could be taken from almost anywhere of course it was from a bulletin board of mom's all having their babies in November. It was actually an I'm sorry post that basically says I'm sorry but I do hate daycare and think everyone should be a SAHM.

I was going to post about how enraging this was to me but I am happy to say I got over it pretty quickly. After all what do I care - I know why I made my choices and become more comfortable with them daily. So why bother getting upset about ignorant people who can't respect that you can make an array of choices for your family and children that work out even if everyone doesn't make the same choice.

To be fair

2005-09-28T10:34:00.000-04:00

I gave my friend a hard time about not doing this so I'll do it myself, though I'll admit 20 things to do for yourself right now seems a daunting task. But hey B - I'll try

1. Take a bubble bath
2. Sleep in
3. Go to bed early
4. take a nap (I'm pregnant I can have more then one dedicated to sleep)
5. Get a pedicuee
6. Get a massage
7. Exercise
8. Chocolate - need I say more
9. Spend time/play with Kaitlyn - it really is fun
10. Watch TV with husband
11. Play cards with husband
12. Other quality time actiivty with husband ;)
13. Get sitter - go out to dinner and movies
14. Go away on mini vacation
15. Buy a new purse
16. play on computer
17. Play video games
18. Call friend
19. Get new shirts/pants
20. Play with dog

Another milestone

2005-09-22T09:28:00.000-04:00

This may be an uh oh one but K has been sleeping in a toddler bed for about 3 weeks now -since Labor day. At first she didn't know she could get out, then she would get out and pound or cry by the door. Lately she learned how to open doors but like all new skills she has been working on perfecting it. So this morning I get woken up to the dog barking like hell that the construction guys are here - they are early but I'll take early over late any day for this project. So I am getting ready and K crys on and off which is her custom waking up in the morning - if you go in too early you are met with a cranky child she needs that time to wake up on her own. So I am eating some cereal and I hear a noise back by her room- She saunters out of her room as happy and proud of herself as anyone can be. I can't help but smile even though I know in my heart this will be the start of a new challenge btw us- keeping her in bed, I just can't help being happy that she is so big and independent. We get dressed and she happily puts her diaper in the garbage for me. I think a lot of her as an infant now with this new baby getting closer and closer to comming out and the difference is so startling. How did someone so helpless turn into such an independent, smart, and perfect little girl. I see less and less toddler everyday and more and more little kid, the baby she was is just a wonderful precious memory.

Construction begins

2005-09-21T09:01:00.000-04:00

Well we have a date of beginning finally on renovating our porch into an office. They officially started this morning 9/21. He estimates it will take 2-4 weeks to complete. Even if the long estimate comes true it still should be done way before this baby boy is born. If due date and his estimate is true we will even have a month or so to set the nursery and office up. We'll see, I feel like in general he has been up front with me but like all things in life this has been delayed a good bit along the way. I just hope now that it is started it goes quickly or at the very least gets done in a month. It is really exciting though in general I have been dreading the whole process. It is funny how long it has taken we officialy started getting bids end or April early May and in reality it isn't a huge job. I know so very little about construction the whole process fascinates me. It was cool because I was telling S last night how little I knew and he knew a lot about it. His granpa was an engineer who did a big renovation on their house and S watched and helped with it. It was cool. Oh well I am excited about it and I am sure I will be frustrated from time to time in the next few weeks but I started hoping we would have it done by early September knowing that that gave me a couple of months wiggle room before baby boy joins us for all the unforseen things that make things take longer. So hopefully that was enough extra time and I won't be sleep deprived sitting around my house trying to nurse a newborn while they hammer finnishing this office.

Aghhh medical professional

2005-08-31T16:12:00.000-04:00

The title says it all. About a month ago Kaitlyn had severe gastroenteritis - she ended up after a ped appt in the ER to get IV fluids since she was pretty dehydrated. At the time they did blood work to rule our severe problems. She came back borderline anemic. Mind you her Hemoglobin was 11.7 which was borderline and her hematacrit was normal. The researcher in me says this is a null finding. She doesn't meet criteria on one scale, does barely on another and has been sick and not eating and vomitting for days. So he wants to give iron supplements because her red blood cells are small and she is borderline anemic - he states maybe with more blood volume the resutls would have come out lower.

Well I think I don't know if it is worth it. I doubt she is anemic and why fool with trying to get a toddler to take medicine that might constipate her, stain her teeth and otherwise cause problems if I don't need to. So we decide to up her iron in her diet. In the meantime my husband (a medical professional to be) takes her to the doctor for a cold she has. Doc asks about iron and basically tells us our plan won't work and we need to give the supplement. So he is now on board with the supplement. In his defense he finds an easy way for her to take it, she actually asks for her orange juice and medicine every day. So I am thinking hey when you are wrong you are wrong - supplementing wasn't so bad and better safe then sorry.

Fast forward to today - I take her in because said cold hasn't improved at all in 3 weeks time. We also recheck her iron. Nurse comes in and says it is 11.7 which is good no problem. I say do you want me to continue giving her the supplement. He seems dumbfounded - asks the doc who says give it to her for 3 more weeks. OK fine.

I tell hubby and he says how has that changed from last time. well I had the lab resutls from last timeso I look them up and what do you know but she was 11.7 last time. So I call saying - hey these numbers haven't changed at all. Here goes the conversation. _ first he starts off asking me questions and clearly has the wrong patient so I steer him to this isn't an antibiotic problem but a blood tests quetsion.

"Me asking am I right her levels were 11.7 today because if so then they haven't gone up any they have stayed the same"
Nurse "No they were 10.7 today - that is low - has she been sick"
Me "well she was sick and had borderline anemia which is why we were giving her iron supplement- her numbers 4 weeks ago were 11.7 - I thought today you said they were 11.7"
Nurse "Oh I am sorry I remember you - sorry I did two blood tests today - you are right her numbers were 11.7 today - which is normal - totally within the range of normal - we don't worry about 11.7 at all."
Me "Well I have her bloodwork and 4 weeks ago it was 11.7 which would show it hasn't changed at all.
Nurse "I think she was 10.7 last time and went up to 11.7."
Me "sighing and pulling hair out to myself - so you are saying her levels are fine now - and we should just keep giving it to her for another 3 weeks"
Nurse "that is right just to make sure she really builds up those iron stores"

I hate when people act like I am the one being stupid - I am like look you are clearly busy and trying to do too much at once. I on the other hand am only concerned with her. I got her old lab results - and am looking at the number 11.7. Last time I checked I could still tell the difference between an 11 and a 10.

I am so frustrated as I feel like this whole thing has been so stupid and unnecessary but in the realm of things the iron isn't hurting her- she loves taking it so what does it matter- it is $34 we're never getting back but for high quality attentive medical care who cares right!

Funny and this is docs office I have been impressed with and liked a lot. Shows you how you have to always be on your toes and an active medical consumer

Oh Ernie

2005-08-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

We bought Kaitlyn a book about going potty featuring Ernie from Sesame Street- well she always asks for this book before bed for two reasons:
1. She loves it
2. Ernie hides and is always at the bottom of the basket and very hard to find.

So for the second time that day (I had to remove all books from the basket that morning before school because of the need to hear Ernie) I am pulling every book out in order to find Ernie. We are getting ready for bed so the light is low and she isn't throwing a tantrum just patiently repeatedly asking for Ernie. Many curse words have come to mind about Ernie at this moment but trying to be a good mom I keep it to myself.

I am tired, and sore and leaning over the chair with my large pregnant belly weighing on me to find a book about a muppet who goes potty wasn't my plan for the night. Feeling the frustration mount I briefly put my head in my hands and try to hold back hormonal exhausted tears (many of you won't understand almost crying because you can't find Ernie for your toddler but I am betting moms to toddlers especially pregnant ones can sympathize). Anyway I catch my breath, go over and turn the light on so I can see and get down on my hands and knees to find Ernie.

Now that part that makes it all worthwhile

My toddler girl comes over to me and pats me on the back in that comforting way that people can do. As if to say "sorry you don't feel good mommy, thanks for looking for my book" Whether this is what she meant or not, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

Oldie but a goodie

2005-08-18T15:43:00.000-04:00

Deeply disturbing to me- warning abortion and miscarriage discussed

2005-08-18T14:44:00.000-04:00

OK this is a hot topic and may offend so read at your own risk. A women on my birth club who is due the same time I am had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks - had a d&c and took pictures of the results, made up a web page for her lost child and then went and posted links to this on other birth clubs of women in their first trimester who are at increased risk of miscarriage. She has poems and stuff written to this child and has named him.

Now the action itself is disturbing enough if this is how you chose to deal with your greif that is between you, your family and in my opinion a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea in this case. But to post it for other vulnerable women to see is just weird and wrong. But onto the bigger philisophical topic which is what bothers me so much.

Now I am speaking as someone who went through something similar- I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks and was told there was no heartbeat and had a d&c. I have a healthy beautiful daughter and so far a healthy baby boy on the way. I mourned the loss of that pregnancy and felt very sad and angry. Miscarriage is a terrible thing to go through and I feel for anyone who has dealt with it. For me having a baby made me think of abortion differently but not differently enough to change my pro choice stance and I wonder if it is my basic reaction to this that sort of defines where I am.

I miss the potential of that child and am sorry I lost him. I actually always beleived it was a he and he is back here growing safely with me. Sometimes nature doesn't work right actually that is wrong sometimes nature works perfectly for whatever reason that pregnancy/child did not have what he needed to make it and live and survive. Nature took care of this by stopping his development and letting us start over. Obviously it would have worked better if I had been able to miscarry naturally and I may have but there was a medical intervention that allowed me to move on and spare me the trauma of waiting and I took it. See there are lots of medical reasons why things go wrong - I like to think the cells didn't transfer and split right during division rather then there was something wrong with my egg or dh's sperm. But the truth of the matter is that yes the pregnancy probably had a heartbeat at some time but to me that just isn't the same as children that are born and breathe. I talk about my miscarriage and always remember it and am sad by it but I don't think I have 3 children - my daughter already born, my miscarried child and this one on the way. I don't know the child's gender though I could have figued it out I am sure if I had asked the doctor's but even if I did I wouldn't have named him. And I realize that is because - now this is unpopular and abhorrent to many people but I don't think that real true blue life begins at conception. I think like all things it isn't black or white but rather shades of grey. People who say you can't be a littler pregnant - I know think that saying is wrong. It is an ethical nightmare and much like the argument about brain death vs. heart stopping etc. To me this wasn't a child but a potential child. One I will always miss. Now if this baby I am carrying were born tomorrow and took his breaths and god forbid didn't make it - I would be devestated and feel like I lost a child. I would name him and greive for him in a different and probably more profound way then I greived over the miscarriage. I guess that is why I hate to name and use a child's name before birth to me it just isn't right and it is funny because I realize my view might be quite upsetting and morally wrong to lots of people.

My best friend since 6th grade recently lost her child. She was anywhere btw 18-22 weeks pregnant. The baby had severe chromosonal abnormalitites and his heart stopped beating. This is beyond tragic and my heart broke for her and hers broke as well. What a loss. Had she made a web site and took his picture I wouldn't have found it so strange - had she posted it all over the internet I might have but greif is greif and who cares if I think you are strange or not. But a month or so after it happened and she was ready to talk we talked for an hour or so about it. She talked about how she actually felt lucky because the baby had a lot of problems and wouldn't have made it and she would rather have it happen sooner than later after she had 9 months of hopes and dreams to have him born and lose him or lose him soon after. She talked about how the offered her the ability to have a funeral for him and she declined- saying she just wanted to move on and that to her it wasn't the same as if he had been full term or premature. I guess we think alike and for me her attitude is healthy and helps her move on. Greif is an individual thing and I don't think you should try to put how you coped with something on someone else. So I do think this person is possibly not dealing with her miscarriage in the most healthy way but I respect her right to go through it the way she needs. I think it just pinpoints a basic philisophical difference that might be at the heart of pro choice/pro life.
I hear people say every baby is a blessing and I alway wonder. I agree every life has value and potential and is beauty and I am sure I would have loved any child that had come my way but I can't say that if I had gotten pregnant at 16 or 17 that that would be a blessing.

How come pro choice people always sound so cold and heartless. I guess for me I always see it as I value all life including mom's life and for me and my life a child that early would not have been a good thing for my life. I also see kids that are unloved, unwanted, abused, hurt and neglected. It breaks my heart and I think what a bigger blessing it would have been to everyone if all our children were wanted, planned for and adored. These abandoned kids deserved that as much as my daughter and son to be do. So to me there are degrees of life and degrees of blessings and other things that are challenges that can end up good but to say in every situation oh that is a baby even though he or she could never have survived outside of mom and give a group of cells at 5 weeks a name and say that no matter what your circumstance having a child is a blessing just doesn't work for me.

OK now that I have gotten entirely too heavy for the internet - I'll move on.

Stolen from Lisa- thanks

2005-08-12T10:27:00.000-04:00

You Have A Type A- Personality

A-

You are one of the most balanced people around
Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want
You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you.

When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back
Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love!
You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

So sweet

2005-08-10T09:17:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago my aunt bought me some maternity shirts- very nice of her. I went to try them on. Kaitlyn was playing in the living room, Mo and Scott were involved in something and Kaitlyn looked up at me with the new shirt on and said "pretty mommy". How sweet is that. When my mom and I used to go back to school shopping, I'd come home and try it all on for my dad, and actually usually do the same thing with Scott now, now Kaitlyn is participating. Today I walked in to get her wearing a dress for work and she said it again "Pretty mommy" - might be the best compliment I ever got.

My Bunny

2005-08-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

you are the "I hate you so bad" happy
bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your
not ashamed of it.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by

I am such an idiot

2005-08-04T10:00:00.000-04:00

Ha ha ha I was talking about how I didn't need dh as much or maybe I was just thinking that. Well to start off with it was a long night last night. I went in to check on K at 10:30 last night before I went to bed. I have just been so beat this pregnancy I can't seem to ever not be tired. I am wondering if it is that borderline anemia they were talking about. I am trying to eat more iron but in general will be happy when they check it again today as I wish I could do something to feel better. But it is probably more that I have been single mommying it, working full time and have a normal 2 year old. But I digress. The part your are supposed to get from this is I am tired when I sleep well. So at 10:30 I foolishly wake K up. She had her legs through the crib slot and usually just moving them gently out works and she doesn't stir. Well it didn't work this time and she ended up being up for 2 hours. Worst was at the end I just let her CIO a little and fell asleep before she did - which is fine - she would wake me if she was still awake, her cries get loud enough I wouldn't miss them. But when that happens I fall alseep before she officially stops crying I wake up lots of time during the night wondering is she OK, did she stop crying because she had screamed loud and hard but I was too asleep to notice and finally dropped with exhaustion. Has she stopped breathing (honestly I don't worry about that so much anymore but when do you stop worrying when your kid was screaming bloody murder and stops that they might be dead rather then just asleep). So I didn't sleep well. Well I was going to sleep later and just get her to school and pick up something to eat on my way to work but at 6:30 I hear the beeping sound. I am like hmmm what is that. I actually look over and dh's side of the bed as if to say- hey you take care of this, this is your area. But he wasn't here. So I think well maybe it is the phone - I left the cordless off the jack and maybe it is beeping from that. I am still mostly asleep and walk out into the living room. Well that isn't it because it just dies when you do that it doesn't beep. Then I think well maybe it is the smoke alarm. Feeling a little like Phoebe on friends I stare at the smoke alarm waiting to see if it is beeping, not it is is the carbon monoxide alarm. I'm like shit - well it is probably just a low battery. Now how my daughter is sleeping through this I don't know because it is right outside her door. So I look at it trying to figure out how to take the batteries out. I push the reset button and it beeps with a red light saying get to fresh air. I am like holy shit what if we have carbon monoxide poisoning, worse this is right outside K's door and she is so much smaller then me. What could cause this? what do I do? She starts screaming because I have now made the thing beep about 100 times trying to fix it. Well at least she is conscious. I try to think - could I just get us dressed and leave it and let dh fix it when he gets home, that doesn't seem wise. Should I go stand out on the porch with my baby in my pj's hmmm it is probably the battery not necessary to do that. Should I call my aunt who lives down the street. Well she probably doesn't know anymore then I do and she is prone to panic by nature. Maybe call Scott- he is working and on call do you really want to bother him. Hell yeah - that seems to be the answer. So I go call his cell no answer and page him. I get Kaitlyn and we both look at the CO detector together- for the record K thinks this is the most fun adventure ever. I of course get the batteries out and it stops beeping right when dh calls me back. Poor guy remember the cordless is basically dead so I answer and say "I'm sorry.... " Phone goes dead. He freaks out but I have to go plug the non cordless one in because K is always playing with it so he called like twice before I got this done. K is laughing and having a blast and I of course feel like a fool since I figured the problem out. But is impossible not to laugh when she does. So he explains to me that yes it was the battery and that the monitor is actually tied to our electricity so it is still working even without batteries. Also he knows where the batteries are and if we had had a CO problem it would have gone off like an obnoxious fire alarm and I would have had no question about it. Very sweet and kind in face of a wife who paged him at 6:40 to laughed with his daughter about the CO monitor. He says "well if you are OK I'll get back to my patient now"

So I feel stupid and terrible that I took him away from a patient on his last day away. I am the woman who didn't page him when his daughter needed to go to the ER for IV fluids but I page him when our battery dies in the CO monitor. It is so odd I am usually so self sufficient. But I think no matter what when you are married for a while there are just things naturally one part of the couple takes over and the other has no idea what to do. The same happened to him. I do the bills and added extra security to our on line bank account. He tried to log in and ended up being kicked out because he didn't know how to get in. Like any good child at heart he doesn't tell me so when I go to log in to pay bills it tells me I can't have access since they locked our account since someone tried to hack in. I say "Sweetie did you try to log into our account unsuccessfully" Busted with no way out he admitted it. Oh you know I had to tell some Scott story to help redeem myself.

I can't believe on the last day I page him for nothing.

But hubby is on his way home right now and will meet me for said doctor's appt. I just need to figure out someway to get through the day at work with little to no sleep.

But K and I had a blast this morning we ate breakfast on the kitchen floor as a picnic - her favorite thing to do, with her sitting on my lap. We played and had fun which is all a new thing since she normally sleeps until I get her up and ready for school. So I guess it wasn't all bad.

OK If I keep doing this it is officially Lisa's fault

2005-08-03T13:49:00.000-04:00

Mostly for the positive reinforcemnet- I blog once over a year ago and I get two comments- boy I can tell already that would be really addicting. So I figure what the heck I'll try it again no one will read it. But I let Lisa know that she helped me refind it mostly so I can stop signing her blog anonymous. OK ok I'll admit I wanted her to encourage me and Lisa is one of my favorite cheerleaders. Not only does she comment but then she puts a link to my blog on her page. Oh the pressure.

If I am going to keep doing this though I'll have to figure out a way to change the name since my hope is we will have a healthy baby boy in November that will then make 4- hard to believe.

OK I am slowly readjusting to work I guess. New jobs are always hard and I am having a harder time then usual probably because my husband is gone all week long, I miss my daughter whom I got to spend a glorious month with, My aunt is now watching her in the afternoon which makes me happy but used to make me jealous - that is already better because my little munchin sweetly obliged with a clingy I love mommy phase. These little ones can be a blessing at times. And finally I think it is worse becasue I am pregnant and being pregnant just naturally pulls you more to the family end of the whole work/career/family balance beam that all working moms "play" on every day. Hell most moms whether you are working or not probably have days they play on this balance beam - should I go back to work, when, ever? Or maybe they are people out there that are just a lot more satisfied then I am and don't question their choices so much.

Well anyway today I finally got something to the people I work with. Two paper ideas that in general I was pretty pleased with. I should have done it way quicker but I am far from 100% at this job yet. Anyway both colleagues (I think I have to stop calling them my bosses since I am on the same level as them- Jr and they are Sr. but supposedly I think they are not my bosses- but it is weird after being a student for so ong) seemed impressed and happy with it. Now I just need to make myself do something else productive this afternoon. But scoring some praise and good will at work has certainly made it a bit easier today. Though I still find myself thinking, wonder where I can find cute crib bedding, should baby boy sleep here or there, when should we move my little girl to a toddler bed.

As for my husband he comes home tomorrow and will no longer be living away during the week. His next clinical rotation won't be much better with the hours and stuff but franky I will be glad to have him home. Honestly I feel disconnected from him. He has been away for 4 weeks comming home for weekends. But two weekends ago Lil K was sick, really sick, I have to go to the hospital sick. And then last weekend he was sick though he didn't bother to tell me so he just acted like an ass most of the weekend making me honestly not all that unhappy to see him go. He isn't a great phone person and I don't think he much listens to me when he does call me on the phone so we had a less then pleasant conversation last night. Becaus I was tired and overly hormonal and didn't feel like sitting and talking to myself on the phone. Though I think I got his attention since he left me a sweet message at work before I got in wishing me well on my day.

OK Lisa - here is another post- you got me to do it. I figure I might have 2 more tops that I wite before I am firmly addicted to blogs as I am addicted to the message board. Thanks for caring what little old me has to say.

Hey I found this again

2005-07-21T16:07:00.000-04:00

Well look at that- I created this and posted this when my daughter was 13 months old, now we have another baby on the way and the whole name of the blog is all wrong. Funny how that happens. I am not sure if I will ever get into electronic journaling when anyone on the whole web could find me an read my stuff but then again who really cares. And who really cares what I have to say for that matter.

OK pregnancy in general is a stressful worried time - some of it but it can also be joyful and happy. I have been visiting boards of people pregnant of about to get pregnant and in general sometimes I feel like they are really letting the worry and anxiety suck the joy from the very life the live and air we all breath so here is my list of things we just need to stop worrying about. A couple of items aren't for the faint of heart as I have long ago discovered there is little dignity in pregnancy.

1. If you are under 22 weeks pregnant and you don't feel your baby move for a couple of hours - calm down more then likely nothing is wrong, maybe you just forgot to focus 100% on your pregnancy for a change and lived life a little.

2. If you are thinking of having a baby in November 2006 there A. shouldn't be a bulletin board for you and even if there is don't post on it, you are months away from trying, enjoy what is going on now and have a little fun, there will be plenty of time to obsess about trying and being pregnant.

3. If you have increase vaginal discharge again before 30 weeks it is likely normal with pregnancy or a yeast infection but it is unlikely that your water has broken and you just don't realize it.

4. If people in your family want to love your unborn baby and buy him or her things - say thank you and be happy and certainly don't send them email telling them what they can and can't do. Some of us struggle to have family members even remember that we are pregnant. If you don't like what they buy regift it or sell it on ebay but say thank you and be done with it.

5. If your OB doesn't call you back within 5 minutes he or she is not a terrible doctor but rahter is handling 100 other calls for people worried about above items.

6. Have a birth plan, have fun with it but realize that parenthood is all about losing complete control over your life and birth if not pregnancy is your first big lesson in this.

7. Finally there are people out there that have tragic things happen to them and things go wrong with the pregnancies or birth and they handle it with a hell of a lot more grace then worrying endlessly about every weird symptom. Remember them and how blesses you are that things are going well for you.

OK so that is my soapbox and it is kind of nice to write mostly completely uncensored. Things that are OK to bitch about because I do

1. It is hot and it sucks to be hot and pregnant.
2. If your spouse isn't around that sucks and if you don't have a spouse or significant other or a lousy one and are pregnant that sucks worse. Because it is nice to have some help when you aren't feeling well.
3. It is hard to let people that aren't you or your husband take care of your baby at any age on a very regular basis but it can be so worth it.

Alright then. Now maybe at least that I remembered this stuff I can start signing people's blogs I comment on with my actual name.

2004-07-18T20:35:00.000-04:00

We welcomed Kailtyn into the world and our lives over 13 months ago but it still seems like yesterday. I know we are not unique. Many people have babies. In the great scheme of the universe she is not unique or special neither are me or my husband. But to us she is the most important thing in the world and she has changed my life in ways I never thought possible. She has made me question things I beleived solidy and thought would never change. And she has changed me for the better in ways I never imagined possible. Right after she was born I discovered the world of internet support groups a group of woman posting about babies all born in the same month as Kaitlyn. It has been a wonderful support system that has now pointed me to blogs. I figured I would give it a try just to see what it looks like. Of course that is what I thought about the internet group as well and as you can see 13 months later I am still and active member