Deeply disturbing to me- warning abortion and miscarriage discussed

OK this is a hot topic and may offend so read at your own risk. A women on my birth club who is due the same time I am had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks - had a d&c and took pictures of the results, made up a web page for her lost child and then went and posted links to this on other birth clubs of women in their first trimester who are at increased risk of miscarriage. She has poems and stuff written to this child and has named him.

Now the action itself is disturbing enough if this is how you chose to deal with your greif that is between you, your family and in my opinion a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea in this case. But to post it for other vulnerable women to see is just weird and wrong. But onto the bigger philisophical topic which is what bothers me so much.

Now I am speaking as someone who went through something similar- I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks and was told there was no heartbeat and had a d&c. I have a healthy beautiful daughter and so far a healthy baby boy on the way. I mourned the loss of that pregnancy and felt very sad and angry. Miscarriage is a terrible thing to go through and I feel for anyone who has dealt with it. For me having a baby made me think of abortion differently but not differently enough to change my pro choice stance and I wonder if it is my basic reaction to this that sort of defines where I am.

I miss the potential of that child and am sorry I lost him. I actually always beleived it was a he and he is back here growing safely with me. Sometimes nature doesn't work right actually that is wrong sometimes nature works perfectly for whatever reason that pregnancy/child did not have what he needed to make it and live and survive. Nature took care of this by stopping his development and letting us start over. Obviously it would have worked better if I had been able to miscarry naturally and I may have but there was a medical intervention that allowed me to move on and spare me the trauma of waiting and I took it. See there are lots of medical reasons why things go wrong - I like to think the cells didn't transfer and split right during division rather then there was something wrong with my egg or dh's sperm. But the truth of the matter is that yes the pregnancy probably had a heartbeat at some time but to me that just isn't the same as children that are born and breathe. I talk about my miscarriage and always remember it and am sad by it but I don't think I have 3 children - my daughter already born, my miscarried child and this one on the way. I don't know the child's gender though I could have figued it out I am sure if I had asked the doctor's but even if I did I wouldn't have named him. And I realize that is because - now this is unpopular and abhorrent to many people but I don't think that real true blue life begins at conception. I think like all things it isn't black or white but rather shades of grey. People who say you can't be a littler pregnant - I know think that saying is wrong. It is an ethical nightmare and much like the argument about brain death vs. heart stopping etc. To me this wasn't a child but a potential child. One I will always miss. Now if this baby I am carrying were born tomorrow and took his breaths and god forbid didn't make it - I would be devestated and feel like I lost a child. I would name him and greive for him in a different and probably more profound way then I greived over the miscarriage. I guess that is why I hate to name and use a child's name before birth to me it just isn't right and it is funny because I realize my view might be quite upsetting and morally wrong to lots of people.

My best friend since 6th grade recently lost her child. She was anywhere btw 18-22 weeks pregnant. The baby had severe chromosonal abnormalitites and his heart stopped beating. This is beyond tragic and my heart broke for her and hers broke as well. What a loss. Had she made a web site and took his picture I wouldn't have found it so strange - had she posted it all over the internet I might have but greif is greif and who cares if I think you are strange or not. But a month or so after it happened and she was ready to talk we talked for an hour or so about it. She talked about how she actually felt lucky because the baby had a lot of problems and wouldn't have made it and she would rather have it happen sooner than later after she had 9 months of hopes and dreams to have him born and lose him or lose him soon after. She talked about how the offered her the ability to have a funeral for him and she declined- saying she just wanted to move on and that to her it wasn't the same as if he had been full term or premature. I guess we think alike and for me her attitude is healthy and helps her move on. Greif is an individual thing and I don't think you should try to put how you coped with something on someone else. So I do think this person is possibly not dealing with her miscarriage in the most healthy way but I respect her right to go through it the way she needs. I think it just pinpoints a basic philisophical difference that might be at the heart of pro choice/pro life.
I hear people say every baby is a blessing and I alway wonder. I agree every life has value and potential and is beauty and I am sure I would have loved any child that had come my way but I can't say that if I had gotten pregnant at 16 or 17 that that would be a blessing.

How come pro choice people always sound so cold and heartless. I guess for me I always see it as I value all life including mom's life and for me and my life a child that early would not have been a good thing for my life. I also see kids that are unloved, unwanted, abused, hurt and neglected. It breaks my heart and I think what a bigger blessing it would have been to everyone if all our children were wanted, planned for and adored. These abandoned kids deserved that as much as my daughter and son to be do. So to me there are degrees of life and degrees of blessings and other things that are challenges that can end up good but to say in every situation oh that is a baby even though he or she could never have survived outside of mom and give a group of cells at 5 weeks a name and say that no matter what your circumstance having a child is a blessing just doesn't work for me.

OK now that I have gotten entirely too heavy for the internet - I'll move on.