Is it worth it

I have never liked any of the titles for this blog but to be fair the first title was used for something I thought I would try once and never try again, then when I returned I was pg and felt like Owen needed to be included so I quickly added his 1/2 - well now he is a whole and the new title sucks but I find myself way busier then usual and well sitting and thinking of a title didn't seem as important as posting but keeping him a 1/2 when he is 3.5 months old seemed wrong.

Now for my random thoughts mostly brought on by a conversation with one of my very Best friends - Both these things probably can't be explained in words but I'll give it a go.

"The Rage"
Now I don't find myself an overly angry person - I certainly have a temper I am not denying that but I have actually done anger management classes with individuals and overall I am not a rageful/angry person. But I do experience something caused "the rage" not sure if it is universal but I know this one friend knows of what I speak. Not sure if my husband does only because I am not sure he experiences personally though he certainly has seen me display signs of it.

So basically most of the time I feel like a fairly reasonable person. I do have a temper but getting angry in regards to something that should make you angry like a fight with spouse or a friend is not the feelings I am speaking of. You are closer if you think of your spouse or sig other leaving his shoes in the middle of the damn floor and you trip over them and think of ways you could insert the shoe into his body or beat him or her senseless with it but still not quite "the rage" I don't know when I started calling it this but I do remember when my friend was relating an incident of when she felt it and she had that look I get when I think of past incidents of it and I said "oh yeah the rage" the look on her face made me realize I had met my kindred spirit.

So my best most recent example. I love my son, he is a good child, he sleeps well for someone his age and he is in general a happy sweet easy tempered little boy. My husband is a great guy who has been since working this crazy rotation that brings him home long after most toddler and baby tasks have been done kindly staying up with said wonderful son to make sure he gets to sleep and then agrees to get up with him should he wake during the night-which for the most part he hasn't. Baby boy sleeps quite nicely from 9:30 until anywhere between 6:30 and 7:30 - which is again quite good for a 3 month old. So Friday night comes and husband and I stay up until around 11:30 at which point baby boy starts making some noise. I think awww crap he is going to be up tonight (reasonable response to the clue you are going to be losing sleep after 3 months of sleep deprivation). This starts a process in parenthood that is little understood but translates into I can't sleep because I am worried my child won't stay asleep. This is why usually husband or I stay up until we are pretty sure either child we are waiting on is good and dead to the world because it is just more troublesome to get up from a deep sleep instead of staying up and watching mindless TV. At least for us. So I say to husband- you take tonight's shift and get up with him and I will take tomorrow night. But still the damage is done and it takes me a good hour or so to stop listening for either child and fall deep asleep. Well at 5:15 baby boy is awake and bam out of nowhere

THE RAGE
I am so damn angry - not at him not at husband just pissed - it is a force that is beyond reason or meaning in my life and directly over the top of what is called for in the situation. See 5:15 really means I am going to get him because I still nurse this child and it so close to his normal wake time that someone else going to him isn't going to work well. I can give logical reasons why I would be angry or annoyed-I love to sleep late, hate to get up early, the first at least 8 weeks of a child's life you don't get much sleep if any, then he has only been sleeping well for a few weeks since a stretch when he didn't sleep well at all for 2 weeks, I am tired, back to work - there are tons of reasons for a normal reaction but nothing quite justifies the level of intensity that is the rage. Hubby nicely say - do you want me to get him - nice thing should help poor guy too asleep to realize I had gone to the dark place so I start cursing and saying some mean stuff which makes little sense I am sure. He says "well I could get him and feed him formula or try to get him back to sleep" I sort of stump out taking deep breaths as I approach baby boys room again thinking mean things that are unjustified because he is right those are reasonable and very nice things he is offering.

I go into this beautiful boys room and "the rage" is gone as quick as it came. He smiles at me, we give him a quick change and then break all the previous rules I had with poor big sister and bring him to bed in which I nurse him back to sleep and he snuggles up against me. I have maybe 1/4 inch of the bed because whenever I move away he snuggles in closer to me. I actually face away from him so the smell of food won't keep him awake and wanting to eat- he will eat whenever he possibly can and while I drift off I feel him move his head back and forth and his snuggles in tighter to me.

So this whole experience answers a question asked of me while I was complaining about the strain that has been trying to care for 2 while returning to work and having a husband very busy in school.

"Is it worth it "




HELL YEAH!