The trouble with Three

I am having problems finding the right balance of discipline with my newly spirited three year old. She is way smarter then me and I find her chipping away at my resolve and strategies as methodically as an archeologist excavating a particularly important find. This is something that frustrated me because discipline is particularly important to me. After all I am a psychologist and you can't escape thinking "I should know how to do this right" I am not a child psychologist at least I have that going for me but theoretically you could bring me your problems with child rearing and I could give you good sound scientifically validated responses on how to appropriately shape behavior. So why is my daughter walking all over me. And she is. She isn't walking all over her dad though I have been not so secretly thinking he has been being a little hard on her. But this nagging voice in the back of my head was saying -"No he isn't being too hard - you are being a pushover and you are going to pay for it."

Well this a.m. was that day. See Kaitlyn is smart- and she is a lot like me. She is also capitalizing on my weaknesses and again it is a daily chipping away of the boundaries and you wake up and think "how are we here" How did this happen?"

So lets flash back to prior to 3 when I had good strong boundaries with her. In my world so you know what I am striving for good boundaries are where there are clear expectations about what is to happen and how she should behave but she also has enough room to move, grow and negotiate so they are tight/strong boundaries but they have some permeability and ability to move and grow as she does. My favorite analogy for discipline is that it is a like a thermostat - you want the proper temperature not too extreme or strict so it is too cold and she can't move and grow and defintiely not too loose and warm so she is just doing everything she wants with no thoughts to consequences. So I recalibrate a lot. Sometimes I am too strict sometimes too easy but rarely lately anymore do I feel just right.

So flashback- our morning routine used to consist of this.
She cries or in other ways lets me know she is awake.
I go in, we get dressed for school, teeth and hair are brushed and then she can do within reason what she wants with the rest of her time before we leave for school.

Things of course have gotten more complicated with Owen's arrival and him going to school with her. One way we helped this was to begin to pick clothes out the night before. But the other big change is now Kaitlyn gets up and comes out of her room instead of waiting for me. That is fine she is over 3 it makes sense. But I realize that now she does almost anything but get ready for school. She comes in while I am still in bed and snuggles with me and then it is lets snuggle on the couch, then lets eat breakfast, then I get ready and start pushing her to get ready and then its no let me help you, no you get Owen ready first, OK now I want to put my pants on and then my underpants over my pants, I want to sit on my shoes, I want to dance around the room like an animal, meow like a cat, bark like a dog, lets hop like a frog. I get impatient and yell, she cries, I cajole and get her into clothes- please let me put my shoes on later, let me help Owen brush his teeth before I brush mine, I need to get Suzy whom I dropped behind Owen's crib even after you told me not to. Then when she is finally dressed and ready to go she is screaming becasue she wants to watch TV- how does TV even enter the picture months ago I never would have considered it and now it is enough of an option she is crying for it. I have had more meltdowns then I should have to deal with - yelled more then I want to and feel many unkind thoughts toward my daughter the biggest being I can't wait to drop you off at school so I can stop fighting with you.

I'll crack down and things will get better again but this is a tough age for me. She challenges me in just the ways that make me think- why not give in to this request just this once and then weeks later I find myself so frustrated I could cry. I want her to listen to what I ask for and treat me with respect. I think it is a critical thing for her to learn right now. I think it lays down a foundation that will help us through a lot of hard times in the future. But despite my training and all my good intentions I feel as helpless as any parent does when their child who is a part of them and knows their buttons better then anyone pushes them so well. I feel like what do I do- Should I yell more, should I spank her, should I give in - what? I look at Owen where it is still so easy because discipline doesn't consist of too much more then saying "No NO" and moving him away and distracting him.

I love my daughter's spirit and her sense of humor and most of all how incredibly sweet and empathetic she is. I like snuggling with her in the morning and her laughing at sometimes she finds silly. I wouldn't trade her being three I don't think but days like today it is hard to know exactly why.