The line between me and her

There are lots of philosophies about parenting - if you were to ask me mine I'd talk a long time but the basic premise would be I beleive my job is to help my kids grow up to be independent, self-sufficient happy adults that can get along in the world. It seems simple but a lot goes along with that- I use cry it out for them to learn how to sleep on their own- and if you ask me where I'd fall on an issue it would usually be for helping them learn to do things on their own- or so I think.

Kailtyn has been going to day care since she was 14 months old- so really very little more then a baby if at all more then a baby. I would take her into the class room and hug her and hand her off to her teahcer and then pretty much leave- see tough mom thinking if I hang around long it will just make it worse and have her cry more. I won't even go into what it was like listening to her cry as I walked through the building that first month- suffice to say pre mom hood I would have scoffed at my severe angst of that. I would have said something along the lines of "you know she is fine 5 minutes after you leave so what is the big deal."

Well for the most part to this day that is still our drop off routine. We have tweaked it some and reasoned together some so that many times there aren't tears but still typically she gets up in my arms, I pass her off, and she cries some as I walk away. On Thursady it started to occur to me that maybe something was up. Well some before then becuase SAHM who just started preschool many of them talk about how their preschool sare set up so you leave your child in line with other kids. I thought hmmm I still take her in, she still needs to go directly to a teacher's arms and there are still some tears. The teachers at her school have been kind enough to accomodate us. So anyway thursday comes and Kaitlyn goes running across the parking lot with me shouting out to be careful and wait for me and make sure no cars are comming. SHe trots as confidentially in through her room on to Owen's room while I carry him trailing behind. We drop Owen off, she walks confidentially through the door and suddenly turn with her sad voice asking "up Please" I pick her up she hugs me and starts to whimper, I find the teacher, hand her off, she cries a little and I go on my way.

Saturday we took her to her first friend's birthday party a friend from day care. At the end of the party - the girls mother who really was a very nice woman and i believe said this with no animosity tells me " I knew which one Kaitlyn was because she is the one who is always crying when you leave" That stopped me in my tracks. Me the one with the kid who still cries, our routine was so different from what the rest of the kids did that it was noticable. But I try to get my kids to be independent - how could this possibly be.

So I decided to use tough love with Kaitlyn and offer her rewards for walking in herself and going to her own seat or playing with the other kids rather then being dropped off directly to the teacher. I figued well we have been doing this for so long it will take a few weeks of shaping to get there (yes I am a Psychologist and yes the term is shaping and I am a nerd) Anyway, the time comes for her room and I have offered her a piece of graham cracker and a sticker for her chart if she does the drop off like I asked. She walks in as confident as anyone, walks to her chair and I go give her her cookie and hug her and tell her how proud I am and then realize I need to leave quickly before I cry.

How could this be- how could it be that it hasn't been her that has needed this routine but me. How can my heart feel so sad that I didn't hold her in my arms and hand her to someone else to hug on her and love her. I am not supposed to want her to be dependent on me I am supposed to be the one who pushes her to her next step, gently as she is ready.

I am never not surprised by what it is like to be a mother to your kids or how many times I make that mistake of not letting there be enough separation between us. Or forgetting that I don't feel like Kaitlyn feels anymore then she feels like I do. She is her own little person a fact I love and think I celebrate but sometimes when I see her do something and she shows not fear, timidity or need from me my heart skips a beat and just how fast this is all going by.