SAHM

It is funny I spent a good deal of time feeling that the group of women who decided to stay at home with their kids(SAHM)looked down on me or thought me less of a mother. All in all I think it is nice to have the luxury of having this debate since many families can't. But I swear if I hear one more time - I couldn't bear to leave my child, or I don't want someone else raising my child, or my favorite if you aren't going to raise them don't have them I might go insane. And then poof it went away in the last few months. I am happy. I am happy with my job, I am happy with my husband and I am happy with my relationship with my kids. They truly wouldn't be any better off and probably would be worse off if I were home with them full time. This I believe in my whole heart. I felt good about the decisions I made about what I want to model to my child particular my daughter yesterday.

She has gotten into what I guess seems to be a normal little girl stage of mothering her doll Suzy - which I am sure has been heightened by her seeing me with her baby brother. She is a good mother to Suzy and often discusses how she is Suzy's mom. I actually said to Scott yesterday I hope that she doesn't just want to be a mother when she grows up. Ouch bad statement right but it really isn't the way it sounds. I don't care - well I don't care much if she works or not but I want her to have an identity and a passion outside of being a mom. I want her to have things she loves and other ways she feels passionately she wants to contribute to the world and enjoy her life beyond being someone's mom. If that is your own identity it is a fairly thankless job that is also time limited. Kids grow up and if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing they will be independent and not need you the same way. Who will you be then?

Now I am sure different moms worry that their girls will end up being too career driven and not raise a family and miss out on all that wonder. I remember one mother talking about her daughter going to college but not wanting her to pursue a career like law or medicine that might keep her from having kids or staying at home with them. I know people who don't have kids and I think they can live a wonderful fulfilling life. But of course my secret fear is that Kaitlyn will embrace the opposite of me- she will be ultra religious and a much more traditional mother. I know some traditional moms that are fantastic. They have fantastic relationships with their husband and it really works for them so it isn't a blanket judgment as much as it is a "I don't want me and my daughter to be so different that we have nothing in common." Hmmm maybe that is what it is on the other end too - mom's who don't want their daughters to pursue big careers when they chose focusing primarily on child-raising because they will feel lost from their child.

I think what makes it work for some couples and why it wouldn’t work for me is that doing this requires and acceptance and appreciation of traditional gender roles. So whoever decides to stay at home with their children, maintains the home and cares for the kids and the one who works primarily provides income needed to live. I would get into trouble because if I stayed at home I would still want help cleaning and still expect my husband to get up with the kids when they are sick. I am almost positive he would think that was my job. And I think to my mother who lived this life and she wouldn’t necessarily be described as stoic or martyr esqe. But I don’t recall her complaining about my Dad working lots of hours or traveling a lot or not helping with the kids. It wasn’t done in that day and I am sure it never occurred to her to be unhappy about it. Not saying it was right but it is what that current set up is based on.

Now I find myself angry at some of the complaints I hear from SAHM's - and I think it is because I have been the primary earner in our family the last two years and though I feel very appreciated by husband I feel what kind of pressure that is. I feel like sometimes people say they want more traditional roles and want their husband's to understand how hard their day is with endless laundry and crying kids but they don't afford the same empathy back to their spouse.

Yes I get away and yes it is very nice to pee in piece and have adult conversation. But it is work and since I am not a traditional working Dad but a working mom which means that I do a whole lot for my kids and the house without a second thought (my husband is not a traditional working dad he does the other half of the work around our house- we have what I believe to be the only reasonable solution when both parents work but one that I know many working moms don't enjoy). So I am tired and pulled in a lot of different directions and have a lot of expectations from both sides of the fence. My husband usually gets that my job is important- he would say always but I will say usually because we have that fight about who's thing is more important to do vs. taking child to doctor or staying home with sick kid. Anyway he gets it and still sometimes on bad days I feel like I fail it all. Just like I feel sorry for moms who are staying home with their kids if their husbands are coming home with a check list like my dad did "did you get to the bank? - To the Store? is the laundry done? where is dinner? why is the house a mess" Well that sucks- your husband clearly isn't getting what you do. He doesn't get how hard and unpredictable life with small children can be. I feel even worse when they end up having to justify why they want a night out with some friends or gasp a weekend away from their child.

But on the other hand I also don't know if the other side (SAHM) if all of them get what the pressure is like to be the sole income for the family. Many SAHM pay bills but I pay the bills in our house and it often stresses me out how much things cost and how little we really have for what I do. Oh we are doing fine but still. But I can't imagine what it would be like to call to say I would be late and get criticized and then to come home and help and have my parenting criticized. Or to have someone take my child from me "to do it right"

I think lots of men can be jerks but lots of women really need to take a step back and say if I want to be understood then why am I not trying to understand.

But back to my daughter who loves to mother her doll. I figure it is going OK for our family right now when she got on her car last night and said "Bye bye, I have to go buy food for Suzy and then I am going to work - See you later- I will miss you"
Maybe she can do what she wants when she grows up and at least not give a flying crap about the judgment from anyone else or even judgment form me. After all I realized a long time ago that she was far wiser then I.