A little bit of this, A little bit of that

I run my first 5 k this weekend and am pretty excited about it. The last few weekends have been a little tough- lots of company and I am looking forward to getting away with my husband and having some time alone.

I keep thinking of my kids and how funny it is how things change. I have found three in lots of ways to be a difficult age for me. She is still as sweet as can be and I love her more than anything but she is smarter than me and seems to find a new way to test limits every day. Between the whining, temper tantrums (I thought they were supposed to be a problem with 2!) and the latest sassing which thankfully seems reserved mostly for her father right now I spend more time annoyed with my daughter then I would like. This is very uncomfortable for me- I am used to just simply loving her and finding myself relieved when it is my night to put my son to bed frankly makes me feel awful. I really feel like a crappy mom who loves my son more than my daughter and I don't know how that could be. After all didn't I post when I was pregnant with him how I worried I wouldn't love him enough. Having one be my favorite isn't an acceptable option especially leaving behind my beautiful charming daughter who captured my heart so long ago seems so incredibly unfair. I am the baby of the family and I always envied my brother the first born for all the good things that seem to come from being first. Now I find myself feeling sorry for my daughter- we make all of our mistakes with her and I am harder on her because I just didn't know what I was doing and still don't. But with Owen I realized many of the mistakes I made with her and much of what I worried about was just a waste so I don't do that to him. But Kailtyn is still stuck with being first so I don't know how to handle the whining - how strict should you be? and every new thing she starts makes me pause to try to think of what to do and I have to fight the psychologist in me to not pathologize my beautiful little girls probably very normal behavior.

Case in point- we have worked so hard to get her to stop whining because frankly I hate whining more then just about anything and I don't like how I feel about her when she whines- for family peace and for her to not be yelled at too extremely I need her to whine less. So now when she is feeling whiney because she wants something, is hungry, tired etc. She says "X hurts' either she bumped her foot mildly, horrors her brother hugged her too tight or if nothing like that happened she goes to the old standby "my tummy hurts' Well her aunt who loves her dearly and doesn't have to discipline, gets her ice and dotes on her so why wouldn't you do this- if you whine you get yelled at but if you whine because x, y or z hurts you get hugs, ice and love from Auntie and more than likely daddy as well.

Well I think it is wrong and don't want to "reinforce" this behavior - frankly in my field it looks like a set up for somatizing and all the associated disorders- since I came from a stiff upper lip quit your whining family this whole cluster of disorders is one of my least favorite. So I tend to ignore her or tell me she needs to tell me what she wants rather than something hurts- I have even gone as far to tell her the little boy who cried wolf story along with a "I can't help you because I never know when you are really hurt since you cry about everything." This is not who I want to be to her- I want her to see me as the kind of mother you can run into her arms and have her hug you and kiss you and make all you boo boo's go away- after all she is 3 and when else can you really do this. I want her to associate my scent and arms with comfort because even a poor mother is comforting, warm and inviting to a child this age.

Most of all I don't want to favor her brother over her. I think it is the age in that I am finding 3-4 more complicated then an infant or toddler. After all she is smart and can vocalize very clearly what she wants and for her wants are needs there is no distinciton. He well I can say oh he is crying for x but we have to do y so we'll move on- it is really different for me when a child cries in his crib vs. cries out Mommy, Mommy- I can ignore the first much better then my name being called out. I think this is so funny because when Ms. Kaitlyn was a newborn I had a very hard post partum period. It was so difficult for me that I would feel an ache in my whole body when I would see older children probably her age now- I'd think I'd give anything to be there with her- so she was sleeping, eating and telling me what she wanted. Now that she is hear I have found that I seem to have a love affair with children ages 6 months - it seems somewhere after 3 for my sweet little girl. Before this time period honestly once she got to 6 months it was the sweet uncomplicated love that you dream of having for your children. She could do no wrong- she never really went through the terrible twos and the few behavior problems she showed well they were easily changed though easy discipline. Even things that were harder didn't really make me annoyed with her- maybe I am remembering it romantically but really I am rarely annoyed with Owen- once he started sleeping well and hit that magical time for me 6 months he can get on my nerves when he cries and won't let me put him down but deep down I love it and it is just a passing annoyance. But when she whines, throws a tantrum and then tells me to put her shoes away after I just asked her to
"Kaitlyn put your shoes away"
"Mommy you do it!"

Well let’s just say it is more than minor annoyance. I hope for my sweet babies sake that Owen is a hellion at 3 and that the age 5 is another blissful age- after all I will hate it but she should feel that kind of love again and unfortunately no matter how much you try not too - when you have two you compare and they will too.