Siblings

It is interesting to watch my kids become siblings. Yes of course the day Owen was born he had a sister and she had a brother but like two islands in the stream the two had little to do with each other. Kailtyn has moved from Owen is an intersting toy to well I don't know where she is now. But she has the ability to be the sweetest girl in the whole world and then just what any good sister will be- here are some incidents that have amused me or made me think lately

1. Owen was playing with her pooh book that plays music - this is one of her favorite books- she is going to bed and Dad says- Kaitlyn get your book- I glare at him and say well Owen was playing with it. She like any good almost 3 year old says "no mine" and takes it away. I sigh to myself and feel bad for my infant son. She comes running out a minute later with a different book - also one of her favorites and gives it to Owen.

2. It is bed time which can be hectic - I am getting Kaitlyn ready for bed, Dad is entertaining Owen before his bath - but chores call and he is also ironing. Kaitlyn finishes her bath and we are working on getting ready for bed- I go to get her medicine while Owen screams and Dad says "owen I'll be right there" Suddenly he stops crying which actually gets our attention and I look and hear Kaitlyn saying "it is OK Owen I am here" I am here and she is holding his hand.

Heartbreakingly beautiful.

But the flip side

Sibling rivlary

Kailtyn thinks sharing with Owen means taking his stuff and we had actually gotten Owen his own copy of Goodnight moon- Kaitlyn's is wron and broken down from lots of reads and I figured he could use his own copy. Yesterday she took his copy and gave him the old broken beat up copy.

Owen is 6 months old- he pulls hair, pulls at faces, shirts whatever. Kaitlyn has already uttered the words - Mommy his is touching me- complete with long wail.

Last night he was desperate to play with her- he is reaching out, cooing doing all his great baby stuff that most adults find fairly irresistable. She looks at him as if he were a bug and cries and whines because he is touching her leg.

I don't know if my heart broke because I can't stand for anyone to reject either of my kids or if because I am the youngest and I know how it feels when your cool older sibling totally blows you off when you want so much to play. No books or offers to make it all better with Owen were offered by tired cranky girl who was very put out that little brother is no longer a toy but seems to be more and more a person who is capable of moving, touching her, pulling her hair and in general being a little brother and not a doll.

And last night for fun I put this big girl in my arms and rocked her like a baby and she laughed and laughed- Scott said he swore he saw jealosy in Owen's eyes

Ah so it begins -

Same goal new outlook

A have a good cyber friend who has been undergoing an exercise/fitness program the same time as me. Check her out if you will she is quite inspirational
http://www.fromfatgirltotriathlete.blogspot.com/

I am also exercising but my primary goal is to lose weight- specifically the weight I put on gestating my 2nd born. He is a cutie but he left a lot behind when he moved out. So I read her blog and think I wish I could do it for my health rather then for vanity.

Let's see a quick review of my weight history- in general I am proud of what I have accomplished
Until college - normal weight (let's not struggle with defining it- you get an image)
College- first two years embraced the freshman fifteen so much figured I'd do it twice
Jr year- started exercising, learning some basic diet info and lost back down to healthy weight.
Master's program - Villanova University - this is the definition of hell, seriously go there and hang out with the psychologists and you'll say you gained weight I can't believe you didn't end up in a coma from a drug overdose, gained 20 lbs
Got married/stopped smoking/parents divorce- good old emotional eating with a husband that is naturally skinny- gained 20 more lbs.
8 months after marriage- went on health lifestyle changes- small changes to diet lots of exercise, in 1 year lost 44 lbs
- kept if off for 5 years
- got pregnant with daughter
- returned to prepregnancy weight after 9 months
- moving, and some other issues gained 10-15 lbs
-- Pregnant with son

And here I am- with that some 40 lbs to lose that I lost all those years ago- seriously I am almost at the same exact weight and I have since Feb lost 15 lbs.

I was always proud of myself that I lost weight in a healthy moderate way and kept it off. My family is also prone to obesity in many ways so I was proud that I had found a way to beat both the nature and nurture involved n that.

But what I have always wanted was to be doing it for my health rather then my appearance. I have never been successful in that. Even after K was born I thought I want a better body image and I want to be happy with how I look and I want it to be about health - but it wasn't not primarily anyway.

What's more is what irritates me the most that except for when I started running with my best friend from grad school and really tones up I have never been happy with how I look in pictures. Even now when I look back on some of those pictures I still can tell you what parts of my body I am unhappy with or look "fat".

I have sworn this time that when I get to my goal that I will be happy with myself because it is quite clear to me that I am really the only one who gives a shit. Seriously I gained 20 lbs by halfway through my preg and was told that I didn't look pregnant or any heavier. Life is way too short to worry about this. And it is especially too short too look at happy pictures of yourself with your children and think - fat arms, my hair looks bad and do I really look that fat in real life. I hope I can get there because honestly it irritates me.

I do a lot of research in obesity. I know the health benefits of losing weight. A 5% weight loss decreases your chance of developing diabetes, improves your lipid profile, and blood pressure. 10% is even better. I have currently lost 7% of my body weight. Which ironically is the number that a large study showed that losing 7% of your body weight, following a low fat/low calorie diet and engaging in 30 minutes of physical activity 5 days a week reduced at risk individuals chances of developing diabetes even better then medication.

Have I focused on that - NO

Have I focused that the #1 killer of women heart disease will be dramatically reduced in my with achieving and maintaining and healthy weight and exercising like I do - No

Would I tell my patients too? Yes

Would I tell them that in my situation sure it would be great if you lost more weight and quite preferable but that I have already significantly reduced my risk factors - Yes

So why am I such a hypocrite.

Oh there are tons of reasons and excuses and sadly I know that my poor thinking will come back - but looking at statistics of heart disease today I had a moment when I thought- hey look how good I've already done for my health and look how good I will do when I get to my goal. That means I have a better chance of seeing my daughter and son, marry, see my grandkids marry and hold my great grandchildren. How great is that!

My uncle who I love as one of my most favorite people in the world died before Kaitlyn was born from complications from knee surgery. I have always believed and there is lots of data to support that his obesity was a complicating factor that contributed to his death. Did I love him any differently because he was heavier- nope in fact in some ways his love of food was a joining factor for us. Do I say this to blame him? Nope- Do I blame him - not really even a second. I just miss him. And I don't want to miss more things in my life because of weight which also means missing enjoying myself and how I look because of some dark cloud in my head that whispers- you look so fat,

Life is just too short and precious.