The trouble with Three

I am having problems finding the right balance of discipline with my newly spirited three year old. She is way smarter then me and I find her chipping away at my resolve and strategies as methodically as an archeologist excavating a particularly important find. This is something that frustrated me because discipline is particularly important to me. After all I am a psychologist and you can't escape thinking "I should know how to do this right" I am not a child psychologist at least I have that going for me but theoretically you could bring me your problems with child rearing and I could give you good sound scientifically validated responses on how to appropriately shape behavior. So why is my daughter walking all over me. And she is. She isn't walking all over her dad though I have been not so secretly thinking he has been being a little hard on her. But this nagging voice in the back of my head was saying -"No he isn't being too hard - you are being a pushover and you are going to pay for it."

Well this a.m. was that day. See Kaitlyn is smart- and she is a lot like me. She is also capitalizing on my weaknesses and again it is a daily chipping away of the boundaries and you wake up and think "how are we here" How did this happen?"

So lets flash back to prior to 3 when I had good strong boundaries with her. In my world so you know what I am striving for good boundaries are where there are clear expectations about what is to happen and how she should behave but she also has enough room to move, grow and negotiate so they are tight/strong boundaries but they have some permeability and ability to move and grow as she does. My favorite analogy for discipline is that it is a like a thermostat - you want the proper temperature not too extreme or strict so it is too cold and she can't move and grow and defintiely not too loose and warm so she is just doing everything she wants with no thoughts to consequences. So I recalibrate a lot. Sometimes I am too strict sometimes too easy but rarely lately anymore do I feel just right.

So flashback- our morning routine used to consist of this.
She cries or in other ways lets me know she is awake.
I go in, we get dressed for school, teeth and hair are brushed and then she can do within reason what she wants with the rest of her time before we leave for school.

Things of course have gotten more complicated with Owen's arrival and him going to school with her. One way we helped this was to begin to pick clothes out the night before. But the other big change is now Kaitlyn gets up and comes out of her room instead of waiting for me. That is fine she is over 3 it makes sense. But I realize that now she does almost anything but get ready for school. She comes in while I am still in bed and snuggles with me and then it is lets snuggle on the couch, then lets eat breakfast, then I get ready and start pushing her to get ready and then its no let me help you, no you get Owen ready first, OK now I want to put my pants on and then my underpants over my pants, I want to sit on my shoes, I want to dance around the room like an animal, meow like a cat, bark like a dog, lets hop like a frog. I get impatient and yell, she cries, I cajole and get her into clothes- please let me put my shoes on later, let me help Owen brush his teeth before I brush mine, I need to get Suzy whom I dropped behind Owen's crib even after you told me not to. Then when she is finally dressed and ready to go she is screaming becasue she wants to watch TV- how does TV even enter the picture months ago I never would have considered it and now it is enough of an option she is crying for it. I have had more meltdowns then I should have to deal with - yelled more then I want to and feel many unkind thoughts toward my daughter the biggest being I can't wait to drop you off at school so I can stop fighting with you.

I'll crack down and things will get better again but this is a tough age for me. She challenges me in just the ways that make me think- why not give in to this request just this once and then weeks later I find myself so frustrated I could cry. I want her to listen to what I ask for and treat me with respect. I think it is a critical thing for her to learn right now. I think it lays down a foundation that will help us through a lot of hard times in the future. But despite my training and all my good intentions I feel as helpless as any parent does when their child who is a part of them and knows their buttons better then anyone pushes them so well. I feel like what do I do- Should I yell more, should I spank her, should I give in - what? I look at Owen where it is still so easy because discipline doesn't consist of too much more then saying "No NO" and moving him away and distracting him.

I love my daughter's spirit and her sense of humor and most of all how incredibly sweet and empathetic she is. I like snuggling with her in the morning and her laughing at sometimes she finds silly. I wouldn't trade her being three I don't think but days like today it is hard to know exactly why.

Turning One

I thought I might post every day this week with different thoughts on what it is like for your baby to turn 1. But it is Wednesday and he turns one on Saturday so you can see how that worked out. Oh well. Lots of thoughts keep racing through my head. So I'll take time now and highlight one of the more melodramatic ones. I also hope to find Owen's birth story and post that as well.

We induced Owen and that feels funny to write because when we induced him we didn't know his name was Owen but now it feels awkward to not call him Owen. The labor was routine and going very well. Unlike with his sister I had my epidural early and I can remember clear as day while I watched Days of Our Lives thinking- I could do this again easy. This induction thing is the way to go. I was in no pain, quite relaxed and happy. My husband was reading a book. I remember the time that the pain came back clear as day because it was about 1:51 and I was watching then end of Days of Our Lives. The nurse came in and I told her how I thought the epidural was wearing off because I was feeling a lot of pain. She had come in to check though because the babies heart rate was dropping with each contraction. She checked me and I hadn't dilated anymore and she turned the pitocin up (if you are versed in baby having that doesn't necessarily make sense but at that time the decels weren't dramatic and she had shifted my position so given no progress in almost an hour it wasn't a crazy thing to do). The increase in pitocin caused much greater decels and his heart rate was dropping to below 60 with each contraction and I was having a lot of contractions and they did hurt. Again his heart rate had been 140 ish so this is a pretty decent drop. This is not a horribly abnormal happening. But for me and my incredibly blessed life it was terrifying. I kept telling myself it was normal. They stopped the pitocin and put me on oxygen but things didn't improve. I found myself in my husband's very capable hands as he calmed me down and said all the perfect and right things. My rationale side said "Oh they'll do a C section" and I am more then OK with that though if you had asked me before labor I would have told you how little I wanted to have a C section. But you could care less when your child's health is on the line. But I couldn't stop myself to going to - What if we lose him? What if he is stillborn? How will I ever survive if we lose this child I have been planning for and dreaming of these 9 months. I know him already, I love him already.

We didn't lose Owen- he was born not even an hour later and I didn't have a C section- the umbilical cord was quite nicely and tightly wrapped around his neck and I went from 4 cm to delivery in under 1 hr. That is a tough fast labor for a little guy to endure but he was tough and he made it.

It just brings me to looking at my soon to be 1 year old boy and thinking of how lucky I am. There are so many things that could have gone wrong during the pregnancy and the first year of life that having him healthy and here with us is truly a miracle. I know many disagree with that. And on the surface I get the argument- it happens routinely, it is nature's way so it isn't miraculous. But I guess I'd say talk to any mother who had her baby early, or worst lost a baby. They will tell you what miracles their children are and what a miracle it is when everything works the way it should. So we have a commonplace life - we have two children (couldn't do the 2.3 that stats say we should have) a dog and a happy marriage. But I see this kind of happiness as truly a miracle.

So Happy Birthday Owen- I am glad you came to us- you were more then worth the wait and you are the sweetest note we could end our baby days with just as your sister was the sweetest note to begin them with.

Favorite kid holiday

It is a toss up since Christmas is in the loop but my very favorite may just be Halloween- I can still remember how excited I was as a kid about Halloween and trick or treating then at least for me it went away as I grew up. I still even without kids can get quite excited about Christmas but I think Halloween may be something for me that I just enjoy when I am young or have young kids around. I love how every year Kaitlyn enjoys it more and more. I love that I took her out her very first year trick or treating when she wasn't even 6 months old. I love that Owen was less then two weeks from being born last year so that the entire time I carried my little devil in my arms I smiled thinking about where he was last year. I thought I'd get some help carrying him this year either in the wagon or with dad or auntie but he only wanted mom. It makes me wistful that think that in a blink of an eye it will be next Halloween and he will be running up to doors with his big sister and I'll think I remember last year you couldn't even walk and wouldn't let anyone else hold you. This is Owen's last official first holiday before he turns 1. In many ways it will feel like his first Thanksgiving and Christmas since honestly he was way too young last year to care one way or the other. But I find myself constantly looking at him thinking where did this year go and how can my last baby be almost 1 already. I am far from unique posting how I love Halloween and feel a lot of bitter sweetness about my baby turning 1.

I'll post pics soon and expect a I can't believe my baby is 1 birthday post in about a week. But in case I get too busy

I can't beleive my baby is about to turn 1- who told him he could grow up so fast!