My journey so far

In my quest to lose the last of the baby weight- I have been also on a weight loss journey. This time I have coupled my normal- eat less exercise more with more positive body image work. I promised myself if I lost weight this time I would be happy where I was and still not hating body parts or grimacing when I saw pictures of myself. The world will teach Kaitlyn to hate her body enough I don’t need to be one more example of that. I don’t’ kid myself that I can make that much of a difference after all my mother rarely bitched about the way she looked and though often not slim was always pretty comfortable with her appearance. But still I spend a lot of time hating myself. I can’t say I have been completely successful but I am doing better than ever before.

I gained 10 lbs before I became pregnant with Owen. I then gained 40 lbs with him. I literally was the heaviest I have ever been in my life. But still I took 3 months off of worrying about it after he was born- I promised I would. I then joined Curves- for many reasons
1) It was 5 minutes from my house
2) It was a 30 minute workout
3) It wasn’t too hard for me

I was out of shape plain and simple- I had been walking prior to Curves and started the Couch to 5 K program- I think I did the first run wrong but what I did was run/jog 90 seconds and walk 90 second or a minute or something like that. I did this about 5 times and felt like I would die and I was sore the next day. The first two reasons counted because I was now a full time working mother of 2 with a husband that was beyond busy in school. I simply didn’t have time to travel 20-30 minutes to gyms that had a workout I was more used to and I didn’t have 1 hr Plus to do it when I got there.

After Kaitlyn was born was one of the second best fitness times of my life. There was a gym around the corner- I could literally walk to it. It was all female and they had child care. I went about 4-5 times a week and spent a good hour there at least each time- longer if Scott was watching Kaitlyn. I lost all my weight with her by the time she was 9 months and I was in great shape if I do say so myself. The first time of great fitness was when I started going to the gym with a friend who was preparing for officer training for the military that was when I first began running. I almost made it to running 3 miles on the treadmill in 30 minutes and I did weight religiously. Then I got pregnant but oh well such is life.

Anyway back to Curves- I did Curves and WW on-line for 9 months and lost 35 lbs and over 35 inches. Then my Curves closed down and though I was pissed in reality I had outgrown the work out. About half way through Curves as Owen got older I had added in 2- 20-30 aerobic workouts to that normal routine and sometimes some extra weight training mostly for my abs.

I still had the same problem with gyms they are too far from where I work and too far from my home. I believe personal obligations aside if exercise isn’t convenient you won’t do it. So I signed up to blockbuster on line to be able to try new exercise DVD’s and then soon started a version of the couch to 5 k program for running. I can now run 30 minutes consecutively with no problem – a big change from the woman who died running a couple of 90 second intervals. I have signed up for a 5 k race in early May and ever since I ran on that treadmill with that friend I have wanted to run one and I will finally do it-barring natural disasters. I am also starting to focus on weight training a little more seriously and ironically find myself thinking what will help my running and help prevent injuries rather then what will help me lose weight faster. Weight training was always a chore I did to increase muscle mass to be able to burn more calories at rest and lose weight or maintain weight. When did this happen- when did my focus get so much better?

I always liked exercise once I made myself do it for a bit. But always in the back of my mind was how many calories did I burn- did I work hard enough- in short though I liked how exercise made me feel the ultimate goal was always weight loss. Pilates/Yoga- I scoffed at since they didn’t provide enough calorie burn to be worth the trouble. Now I find myself caring about how far I can run and thinking about training schedules that will increase my endurance without injury so I can work on speed down the road. I think well maybe I can do a 10 K after a couple of 5 Ks- hmm who knows a half marathon someday- that is crazy- I doubt I’ll ever want to run 13 miles but I never thought I’d run ever. Back in grad school when I first tried I thought- well I will support my friend but I doubt I’ll get far with it. I looked at the air force officer requirements way back then I could do the run at the speed they recommended and the crunches/sit ups- but never the push ups. I figured oh well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. But now I think why not- I can’t do one push up but I also used to not be able to run 2 minutes. Why can’t I work up to 18 in 1 minute. Why not indeed.

I have lost 42 lbs total now- If you count the 5 I gained at Christmas and lost again it would be 47 but oh well I’ll get there. And that today is the most amazing thing of all. I won’t I don’t’ care about the scale or how I look, or what size I am. Because I still do and I think no matter how much progress I make I always will. But right now I probably care more about this upcoming race and how well I run and improving my strength then I do about how quick the last 8 lbs come off. I want to get to my goal and honestly I’d love it if I lost 5 more after that but seriously I probably look and feel better then I have in a long time. Sure I’d rather be fit and lean than fit and a little fat but still it feels like a huge step to have the pendulum swinging the other way for a change. I think Oh when the kids get older I want to go hiking with them, biking with them, I think how will this exercise make me stronger in my life to do things I want to do like go skiing without being sore and biking across the golden gate without being sore (did that right after I was married so much fun but the next day I could barely walk) rather than hey how many calories have I burned and how quick will this weight come off. I’ve had stalled points throughout this journey and will probably have more- the biggest being last June and then Dec-Jan but right now I feel strong and confident.

Goals
X Complete initial 5 k training program
X Run 5 k on own (41.30)
Complete 5 k race
Run 1.5 miles in 14.30
Do 38 crunches in 1 minute
Do 1 Push Up
Do 18 push ups in 1 minute
Get to goal weight

I'm Tired

I'm tired and I'd say life has been beating up on me the past few weeks but really I have a nice life even during hard times so it could be worse. I find there are several joys and challenges with being a working mom. But there seems to be 4 scenarios that you live with regularly from utopia to crapopia
1. Both work and life with kids is going grand -everyone is healthy and happy and work is flowing swimmingly (I am sure this scenario exists but it may be one of those idealized impossible things to realize)

2. Kids are sick or acting out and work it going fine.

3. Kids are well and sweet and work sucks.

4. Kid are sick and work sucks (If 1 never happens this one happens way too often)

I spend most of my life on #2 or #3 you can alter to that you are either crazy busy in one place or another too. But I went through from November-January where Owen had a chronic ear infection that wouldn't clear up while I was busy writing a grant. I still count it as #2 but it was challenging.

Now I have been busy at work and it seems like anything that can go wrong does go wrong. I feel disheartened and disillusioned but these are normal periods in any researchers career. What is nice is that the kids are healthy and well and tend to cheer me up quite a bit but they are young children so Kaitlyn was up last night and I am tired this a.m.- I don't think it is from her being up just as much as the very building I work in right now makes me tired. But better days are ahead- and soon work will be going well and I will be transporting back and forth to doctor's offices and so on-what can you do but kick yourself that you are taking time out to bitch and moan. Living the dream here- living the dream