Aghhh medical professional

The title says it all. About a month ago Kaitlyn had severe gastroenteritis - she ended up after a ped appt in the ER to get IV fluids since she was pretty dehydrated. At the time they did blood work to rule our severe problems. She came back borderline anemic. Mind you her Hemoglobin was 11.7 which was borderline and her hematacrit was normal. The researcher in me says this is a null finding. She doesn't meet criteria on one scale, does barely on another and has been sick and not eating and vomitting for days. So he wants to give iron supplements because her red blood cells are small and she is borderline anemic - he states maybe with more blood volume the resutls would have come out lower.

Well I think I don't know if it is worth it. I doubt she is anemic and why fool with trying to get a toddler to take medicine that might constipate her, stain her teeth and otherwise cause problems if I don't need to. So we decide to up her iron in her diet. In the meantime my husband (a medical professional to be) takes her to the doctor for a cold she has. Doc asks about iron and basically tells us our plan won't work and we need to give the supplement. So he is now on board with the supplement. In his defense he finds an easy way for her to take it, she actually asks for her orange juice and medicine every day. So I am thinking hey when you are wrong you are wrong - supplementing wasn't so bad and better safe then sorry.

Fast forward to today - I take her in because said cold hasn't improved at all in 3 weeks time. We also recheck her iron. Nurse comes in and says it is 11.7 which is good no problem. I say do you want me to continue giving her the supplement. He seems dumbfounded - asks the doc who says give it to her for 3 more weeks. OK fine.

I tell hubby and he says how has that changed from last time. well I had the lab resutls from last timeso I look them up and what do you know but she was 11.7 last time. So I call saying - hey these numbers haven't changed at all. Here goes the conversation. _ first he starts off asking me questions and clearly has the wrong patient so I steer him to this isn't an antibiotic problem but a blood tests quetsion.

"Me asking am I right her levels were 11.7 today because if so then they haven't gone up any they have stayed the same"
Nurse "No they were 10.7 today - that is low - has she been sick"
Me "well she was sick and had borderline anemia which is why we were giving her iron supplement- her numbers 4 weeks ago were 11.7 - I thought today you said they were 11.7"
Nurse "Oh I am sorry I remember you - sorry I did two blood tests today - you are right her numbers were 11.7 today - which is normal - totally within the range of normal - we don't worry about 11.7 at all."
Me "Well I have her bloodwork and 4 weeks ago it was 11.7 which would show it hasn't changed at all.
Nurse "I think she was 10.7 last time and went up to 11.7."
Me "sighing and pulling hair out to myself - so you are saying her levels are fine now - and we should just keep giving it to her for another 3 weeks"
Nurse "that is right just to make sure she really builds up those iron stores"

I hate when people act like I am the one being stupid - I am like look you are clearly busy and trying to do too much at once. I on the other hand am only concerned with her. I got her old lab results - and am looking at the number 11.7. Last time I checked I could still tell the difference between an 11 and a 10.

I am so frustrated as I feel like this whole thing has been so stupid and unnecessary but in the realm of things the iron isn't hurting her- she loves taking it so what does it matter- it is $34 we're never getting back but for high quality attentive medical care who cares right!

Funny and this is docs office I have been impressed with and liked a lot. Shows you how you have to always be on your toes and an active medical consumer

Oh Ernie

We bought Kaitlyn a book about going potty featuring Ernie from Sesame Street- well she always asks for this book before bed for two reasons:
1. She loves it
2. Ernie hides and is always at the bottom of the basket and very hard to find.

So for the second time that day (I had to remove all books from the basket that morning before school because of the need to hear Ernie) I am pulling every book out in order to find Ernie. We are getting ready for bed so the light is low and she isn't throwing a tantrum just patiently repeatedly asking for Ernie. Many curse words have come to mind about Ernie at this moment but trying to be a good mom I keep it to myself.

I am tired, and sore and leaning over the chair with my large pregnant belly weighing on me to find a book about a muppet who goes potty wasn't my plan for the night. Feeling the frustration mount I briefly put my head in my hands and try to hold back hormonal exhausted tears (many of you won't understand almost crying because you can't find Ernie for your toddler but I am betting moms to toddlers especially pregnant ones can sympathize). Anyway I catch my breath, go over and turn the light on so I can see and get down on my hands and knees to find Ernie.

Now that part that makes it all worthwhile

My toddler girl comes over to me and pats me on the back in that comforting way that people can do. As if to say "sorry you don't feel good mommy, thanks for looking for my book" Whether this is what she meant or not, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

Oldie but a goodie

Deeply disturbing to me- warning abortion and miscarriage discussed

OK this is a hot topic and may offend so read at your own risk. A women on my birth club who is due the same time I am had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks - had a d&c and took pictures of the results, made up a web page for her lost child and then went and posted links to this on other birth clubs of women in their first trimester who are at increased risk of miscarriage. She has poems and stuff written to this child and has named him.

Now the action itself is disturbing enough if this is how you chose to deal with your greif that is between you, your family and in my opinion a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea in this case. But to post it for other vulnerable women to see is just weird and wrong. But onto the bigger philisophical topic which is what bothers me so much.

Now I am speaking as someone who went through something similar- I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks and was told there was no heartbeat and had a d&c. I have a healthy beautiful daughter and so far a healthy baby boy on the way. I mourned the loss of that pregnancy and felt very sad and angry. Miscarriage is a terrible thing to go through and I feel for anyone who has dealt with it. For me having a baby made me think of abortion differently but not differently enough to change my pro choice stance and I wonder if it is my basic reaction to this that sort of defines where I am.

I miss the potential of that child and am sorry I lost him. I actually always beleived it was a he and he is back here growing safely with me. Sometimes nature doesn't work right actually that is wrong sometimes nature works perfectly for whatever reason that pregnancy/child did not have what he needed to make it and live and survive. Nature took care of this by stopping his development and letting us start over. Obviously it would have worked better if I had been able to miscarry naturally and I may have but there was a medical intervention that allowed me to move on and spare me the trauma of waiting and I took it. See there are lots of medical reasons why things go wrong - I like to think the cells didn't transfer and split right during division rather then there was something wrong with my egg or dh's sperm. But the truth of the matter is that yes the pregnancy probably had a heartbeat at some time but to me that just isn't the same as children that are born and breathe. I talk about my miscarriage and always remember it and am sad by it but I don't think I have 3 children - my daughter already born, my miscarried child and this one on the way. I don't know the child's gender though I could have figued it out I am sure if I had asked the doctor's but even if I did I wouldn't have named him. And I realize that is because - now this is unpopular and abhorrent to many people but I don't think that real true blue life begins at conception. I think like all things it isn't black or white but rather shades of grey. People who say you can't be a littler pregnant - I know think that saying is wrong. It is an ethical nightmare and much like the argument about brain death vs. heart stopping etc. To me this wasn't a child but a potential child. One I will always miss. Now if this baby I am carrying were born tomorrow and took his breaths and god forbid didn't make it - I would be devestated and feel like I lost a child. I would name him and greive for him in a different and probably more profound way then I greived over the miscarriage. I guess that is why I hate to name and use a child's name before birth to me it just isn't right and it is funny because I realize my view might be quite upsetting and morally wrong to lots of people.

My best friend since 6th grade recently lost her child. She was anywhere btw 18-22 weeks pregnant. The baby had severe chromosonal abnormalitites and his heart stopped beating. This is beyond tragic and my heart broke for her and hers broke as well. What a loss. Had she made a web site and took his picture I wouldn't have found it so strange - had she posted it all over the internet I might have but greif is greif and who cares if I think you are strange or not. But a month or so after it happened and she was ready to talk we talked for an hour or so about it. She talked about how she actually felt lucky because the baby had a lot of problems and wouldn't have made it and she would rather have it happen sooner than later after she had 9 months of hopes and dreams to have him born and lose him or lose him soon after. She talked about how the offered her the ability to have a funeral for him and she declined- saying she just wanted to move on and that to her it wasn't the same as if he had been full term or premature. I guess we think alike and for me her attitude is healthy and helps her move on. Greif is an individual thing and I don't think you should try to put how you coped with something on someone else. So I do think this person is possibly not dealing with her miscarriage in the most healthy way but I respect her right to go through it the way she needs. I think it just pinpoints a basic philisophical difference that might be at the heart of pro choice/pro life.
I hear people say every baby is a blessing and I alway wonder. I agree every life has value and potential and is beauty and I am sure I would have loved any child that had come my way but I can't say that if I had gotten pregnant at 16 or 17 that that would be a blessing.

How come pro choice people always sound so cold and heartless. I guess for me I always see it as I value all life including mom's life and for me and my life a child that early would not have been a good thing for my life. I also see kids that are unloved, unwanted, abused, hurt and neglected. It breaks my heart and I think what a bigger blessing it would have been to everyone if all our children were wanted, planned for and adored. These abandoned kids deserved that as much as my daughter and son to be do. So to me there are degrees of life and degrees of blessings and other things that are challenges that can end up good but to say in every situation oh that is a baby even though he or she could never have survived outside of mom and give a group of cells at 5 weeks a name and say that no matter what your circumstance having a child is a blessing just doesn't work for me.

OK now that I have gotten entirely too heavy for the internet - I'll move on.

Stolen from Lisa- thanks

You Have A Type A- Personality

A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

So sweet

A couple of weeks ago my aunt bought me some maternity shirts- very nice of her. I went to try them on. Kaitlyn was playing in the living room, Mo and Scott were involved in something and Kaitlyn looked up at me with the new shirt on and said "pretty mommy". How sweet is that. When my mom and I used to go back to school shopping, I'd come home and try it all on for my dad, and actually usually do the same thing with Scott now, now Kaitlyn is participating. Today I walked in to get her wearing a dress for work and she said it again "Pretty mommy" - might be the best compliment I ever got.

My Bunny

you are the "I hate you so bad" happy
bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your
not ashamed of it.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by

I am such an idiot

Ha ha ha I was talking about how I didn't need dh as much or maybe I was just thinking that. Well to start off with it was a long night last night. I went in to check on K at 10:30 last night before I went to bed. I have just been so beat this pregnancy I can't seem to ever not be tired. I am wondering if it is that borderline anemia they were talking about. I am trying to eat more iron but in general will be happy when they check it again today as I wish I could do something to feel better. But it is probably more that I have been single mommying it, working full time and have a normal 2 year old. But I digress. The part your are supposed to get from this is I am tired when I sleep well. So at 10:30 I foolishly wake K up. She had her legs through the crib slot and usually just moving them gently out works and she doesn't stir. Well it didn't work this time and she ended up being up for 2 hours. Worst was at the end I just let her CIO a little and fell asleep before she did - which is fine - she would wake me if she was still awake, her cries get loud enough I wouldn't miss them. But when that happens I fall alseep before she officially stops crying I wake up lots of time during the night wondering is she OK, did she stop crying because she had screamed loud and hard but I was too asleep to notice and finally dropped with exhaustion. Has she stopped breathing (honestly I don't worry about that so much anymore but when do you stop worrying when your kid was screaming bloody murder and stops that they might be dead rather then just asleep). So I didn't sleep well. Well I was going to sleep later and just get her to school and pick up something to eat on my way to work but at 6:30 I hear the beeping sound. I am like hmmm what is that. I actually look over and dh's side of the bed as if to say- hey you take care of this, this is your area. But he wasn't here. So I think well maybe it is the phone - I left the cordless off the jack and maybe it is beeping from that. I am still mostly asleep and walk out into the living room. Well that isn't it because it just dies when you do that it doesn't beep. Then I think well maybe it is the smoke alarm. Feeling a little like Phoebe on friends I stare at the smoke alarm waiting to see if it is beeping, not it is is the carbon monoxide alarm. I'm like shit - well it is probably just a low battery. Now how my daughter is sleeping through this I don't know because it is right outside her door. So I look at it trying to figure out how to take the batteries out. I push the reset button and it beeps with a red light saying get to fresh air. I am like holy shit what if we have carbon monoxide poisoning, worse this is right outside K's door and she is so much smaller then me. What could cause this? what do I do? She starts screaming because I have now made the thing beep about 100 times trying to fix it. Well at least she is conscious. I try to think - could I just get us dressed and leave it and let dh fix it when he gets home, that doesn't seem wise. Should I go stand out on the porch with my baby in my pj's hmmm it is probably the battery not necessary to do that. Should I call my aunt who lives down the street. Well she probably doesn't know anymore then I do and she is prone to panic by nature. Maybe call Scott- he is working and on call do you really want to bother him. Hell yeah - that seems to be the answer. So I go call his cell no answer and page him. I get Kaitlyn and we both look at the CO detector together- for the record K thinks this is the most fun adventure ever. I of course get the batteries out and it stops beeping right when dh calls me back. Poor guy remember the cordless is basically dead so I answer and say "I'm sorry.... " Phone goes dead. He freaks out but I have to go plug the non cordless one in because K is always playing with it so he called like twice before I got this done. K is laughing and having a blast and I of course feel like a fool since I figured the problem out. But is impossible not to laugh when she does. So he explains to me that yes it was the battery and that the monitor is actually tied to our electricity so it is still working even without batteries. Also he knows where the batteries are and if we had had a CO problem it would have gone off like an obnoxious fire alarm and I would have had no question about it. Very sweet and kind in face of a wife who paged him at 6:40 to laughed with his daughter about the CO monitor. He says "well if you are OK I'll get back to my patient now"

So I feel stupid and terrible that I took him away from a patient on his last day away. I am the woman who didn't page him when his daughter needed to go to the ER for IV fluids but I page him when our battery dies in the CO monitor. It is so odd I am usually so self sufficient. But I think no matter what when you are married for a while there are just things naturally one part of the couple takes over and the other has no idea what to do. The same happened to him. I do the bills and added extra security to our on line bank account. He tried to log in and ended up being kicked out because he didn't know how to get in. Like any good child at heart he doesn't tell me so when I go to log in to pay bills it tells me I can't have access since they locked our account since someone tried to hack in. I say "Sweetie did you try to log into our account unsuccessfully" Busted with no way out he admitted it. Oh you know I had to tell some Scott story to help redeem myself.

I can't believe on the last day I page him for nothing.

But hubby is on his way home right now and will meet me for said doctor's appt. I just need to figure out someway to get through the day at work with little to no sleep.

But K and I had a blast this morning we ate breakfast on the kitchen floor as a picnic - her favorite thing to do, with her sitting on my lap. We played and had fun which is all a new thing since she normally sleeps until I get her up and ready for school. So I guess it wasn't all bad.

OK If I keep doing this it is officially Lisa's fault

Mostly for the positive reinforcemnet- I blog once over a year ago and I get two comments- boy I can tell already that would be really addicting. So I figure what the heck I'll try it again no one will read it. But I let Lisa know that she helped me refind it mostly so I can stop signing her blog anonymous. OK ok I'll admit I wanted her to encourage me and Lisa is one of my favorite cheerleaders. Not only does she comment but then she puts a link to my blog on her page. Oh the pressure.

If I am going to keep doing this though I'll have to figure out a way to change the name since my hope is we will have a healthy baby boy in November that will then make 4- hard to believe.

OK I am slowly readjusting to work I guess. New jobs are always hard and I am having a harder time then usual probably because my husband is gone all week long, I miss my daughter whom I got to spend a glorious month with, My aunt is now watching her in the afternoon which makes me happy but used to make me jealous - that is already better because my little munchin sweetly obliged with a clingy I love mommy phase. These little ones can be a blessing at times. And finally I think it is worse becasue I am pregnant and being pregnant just naturally pulls you more to the family end of the whole work/career/family balance beam that all working moms "play" on every day. Hell most moms whether you are working or not probably have days they play on this balance beam - should I go back to work, when, ever? Or maybe they are people out there that are just a lot more satisfied then I am and don't question their choices so much.

Well anyway today I finally got something to the people I work with. Two paper ideas that in general I was pretty pleased with. I should have done it way quicker but I am far from 100% at this job yet. Anyway both colleagues (I think I have to stop calling them my bosses since I am on the same level as them- Jr and they are Sr. but supposedly I think they are not my bosses- but it is weird after being a student for so ong) seemed impressed and happy with it. Now I just need to make myself do something else productive this afternoon. But scoring some praise and good will at work has certainly made it a bit easier today. Though I still find myself thinking, wonder where I can find cute crib bedding, should baby boy sleep here or there, when should we move my little girl to a toddler bed.

As for my husband he comes home tomorrow and will no longer be living away during the week. His next clinical rotation won't be much better with the hours and stuff but franky I will be glad to have him home. Honestly I feel disconnected from him. He has been away for 4 weeks comming home for weekends. But two weekends ago Lil K was sick, really sick, I have to go to the hospital sick. And then last weekend he was sick though he didn't bother to tell me so he just acted like an ass most of the weekend making me honestly not all that unhappy to see him go. He isn't a great phone person and I don't think he much listens to me when he does call me on the phone so we had a less then pleasant conversation last night. Becaus I was tired and overly hormonal and didn't feel like sitting and talking to myself on the phone. Though I think I got his attention since he left me a sweet message at work before I got in wishing me well on my day.

OK Lisa - here is another post- you got me to do it. I figure I might have 2 more tops that I wite before I am firmly addicted to blogs as I am addicted to the message board. Thanks for caring what little old me has to say.