Family Planning

No this isn't an announcement. For me what is intersting is my reaction to this and it highights the biggest reason why we are done having kids. I don't want Owen to ever wear this shirt because I want him to be my youngest and not the middle child.

I have found something intersting that for me anyway the question of when to stop having children is almost as difficult as the when to start- how much harder is it for people who aren't even sure they want kids at all- they then have potential 3 difficult decisions to make
1) Kids yes or no
2) If yes when
3 When to stop

See for me I always wanted 3 and my husband always wanted 2. After Kaitlyn was born I wanted 2 and he wanted 1. After Owen was born I think he lays his head down every night saying I am glad that is done and don't we have the perfect family. He is right -we do. But women or at least me don't think like that about any decision. Almost any decision that is more major then what to have for lunch (sometimes I have trouble with that) is met with an endless analysis of all possible solutions. So for me I have been so sure that he is right- we have the perfect family we won the lottery we got exactly what we wanted and having more just doesn't make sense. I could go into all the rationale reasons why.

But once you have kids things become more about them and those reasons are what drives you.

So I never wanted Kaitlyn to be an only child- I wanted her to have the joys and yes the challenges of having a sibling- it was important to me.

But for Owen- I don't want him to be the middle child. I figure he already lost at on all that indiviual attention she got those first 2 1/2 years, he will never be the sole focus of our attention and he will always have to compete with her. That is good for him but it is also sad. For me I am not all that young in the world of pregnancy so if we wanted a 3rd we'd have to start trying like last week. That would mean there would be a possibility for Owen and baby 3 to be merely 16 months apart. While some might love that and speak to the wonder that is a close age gap not only does it sound horrendous to me but it robs him of his babyhood and his specialness in our family. There is only so many hours in the day and so much attention you can give your kids between a demaning newborn and 3 year old poor Owen would lose a lot.

But all in all this is all summed up in my husband's favorite analogy - at our home we prefer to keep a man to man defense instead of moving to a zone.

Why Owen is great

There are lots of reasons but currently I just can't beleive how much he rewards me for letting go. Nursing has not been the easiest for me. But around 3 months or maybe 4 months it all turned around. It was easier after the frist 6 weeks but the obsessing didn't stop until about 4 months when I decided to wean him. I figured I made it long enough, pumping at work was a bear so lets be done with it. But I was torn. I dropped both pumping session and then tried to drop the night and morning feeding he got with me and he wanted nothing to do with it. so I said fuck it - let him nurse and if I lose my supply well that is what I wanted anyway.

This started the best time we ever had nursing together and it truly has been wonderful and all the things women who like breastfeeding yammer on about. I won't bore you with it because honestly it isn't for everyone so do what you want.

So I never thought we would make it this long and I had planned an 10 year anniversary trip away with my husband. It never occurred to me in a million years he would still be nursing. So I started to think - should I wean him, should I pump when I'm away- I don't want to pump and then after a week he refuses to nurse. Pumping milk for your baby with a breast pump and romantic just don't go together. I started to worry and obsess again- I planned on weaning him after the 10th and just said Fuck it again. Owen will do what he needs to and if I need to pump when I'm away so be it. I'll adjust.

Well right after we got back from our trip on the 12 - all weekend long he nursed so much I thought he'll never be done with this and I was OK with that. But anyway since Monday he has had very little interest in nursing. None yesterday, once today and slowly I see myself being done with this and maybe in time for this trip that is a week and half away.

Who'd have thought that he would know just what to do and I wouldn't need to plan it out. Crazy little boy.