tickers

We'll see if it works - the breast feeding one is a little annoying and redundant but I have breast fed him this long I might as well take credit.

What my kids have taught me

Now they have taught me more then I can ever say but one of the very biggest is
"Go with the flow" Whenever I remember this we all do much better. Kaitlyn started the big lesson - she had the hardest work to do with her Type A mom and she is just as stubborn in exactly the same way as her dad. It is a quiet stubbornness like leading the horse to water but not being able to make it drink. Oh her and S go happily enough to the water but if they don't want to drink well they won't.

So anyway Kaitlyn did the heavy lifting and Owen is putting the finishing touches on.

Case in point, I agonized last week- should I wean Owen or just cut down to morning and afternoon feedings. I decided to quit but wanted to drop feedings slowly. My plan was to be done completely with breast feeding by Thursday. Owen has other plans and has voted for a.m. and p.m. feeds and I find that I have easily thrown out my weaning plan- who am I? It is so unlike me to give up a plan and a goal.

But I'll tell you a secret- Owen is stubborn like his mom not his dad.

We are a loud and angry stubborn and I have had a migraine since Sunday so really who needs to listen to him scream

To pump or not to pump

Otherwise known as weaning is so hard to do. Owen and I have made it nursing much longer then I ever expected- he is 4 months old and will be 17 weeks on Friday- if I make it until 18 weeks I will have officially breast fed him 3 times as long as his sister. Given his huge appetite and my inability to pump much at work - we have decided our next step is to wean him down to only nights and morning feedings and we will see from there were we go. Most of me knows it is time and probably time to go beyond that and stop breast feeding entirely (but there is no way I am going cold turkey like last time too painful) but no matter what there is always a part that says- no don't give it up keep going - keep going. So my second pumping session that I normally do has come and gone and I sit here trying to make myself not do it- it is all psychological I know that this one day would make no differnce then have been a couple of days I could only pump once at work but this is the first that I could have but am not since I am trying to wean down 1 pumping session then I'll drop the first one and we will be at night and morning feeds.

Before I didn't stop because Owen wasn't ready even when I was- now I think he'd generally be just fine if we stopped nursing. Yeah Yeah I know all the benefits but honestly he'd be fine. In that I mean I don't think he'll miss it the way I think he once would have. He is starting some cereal which is just bound to drive my supply down even a little more and there is a time when you need to say what is best for everyone and you say hey let me have my body back. But all in all I remind myself right now we aren't stopping completely and really for the most part I feel like I am just following his lead and taking him where he needs to go.

Don't get me wrong ambivalence is normal but such a bitch. I will always miss this once it is gone but there are so many things of babyhood that are really a royal pain but yet you still miss when they are gone. Especially since he is our last.
Feels weird to write it but according to our plans he is our last. Who could need or want more than him and Kaitlyn.

Reasons why my husband is great

OK these will be mostly family related and he has lots of great traits and does great things that won't be mentioned- but give me a break - we have an almost 4 month old and almost 3 year old - he's in school and I just went back to work- little is in our life but how do we pay for these kids and take care of them.
So here goes some things from the top of my head that he has done that has been extra great

1. He worked a rotation that had a 1 hour commute one way - had to be there at 8 and if he was lucky he left at 7. Whenever he came home he did everything he could to help with K or O as much as possible -including getting O to bed and offering to get up with him if he got up.

2. O started getting up lately btw 4 and 5 a.m. with nursing it just makes more sense that I should nurse him rather then he get a bottle - husband not only goes and gets O and changes him but realizes that my sleep is more disrupted then his since I am up with him longer- appreciates that I do it and offeres to stay up until 11 so I can go to bed earlier. This is big since we have talked on and off about when to stop nursing and he could easily be like "well you chose to keep doing it so you deal with the lack of sleep"

3. This a.m. O got up at 5, I tried to go get him to give husband a break - he wakes up and says oh do you want me to get him - I say no don't worry you have a test today I'll go - he says no I don't mind and goes and does it - this is huge I probably would have rolled over and said thanks sweetie!

4. Next rotation he will have to work mondays 12-8 but can be home with O in the a.m. - I said you have a lot of studying to do why not just keep the nanny there and go do some studying - he says maybe I'll do that some but he wants to spend time with his son - doesn't sound like much go to just about any mom's board and you will hear lots of stories of dad's who can't be bothered.

5. My birthday is in a little over a week he is planning a sitter and a night out for me. Not only that but he thought it would be nice to leave O for longer then usual but checked with me to make sure I wouldn't mind leaving him that long.

6. He has offered to drop K off at daycare when he can do it.

7. We decide on new sleep plan for baby who recently started waking again - I offer to stay up with him so hubby can get his sleep and he says it doesn't matter whatever you want- have I mentioned that regular sleep isn't something we have been able to count on since November.

8. He has made time over the past 4 weeks of being away so much to go out with K on his own so she could have some special time with her daddy.

9. He appreciates me and makes me feel beautiful.

10 - Yesterday the first day he got off soon - he picked K up took her to the playground, came home took care of O and K and made dinner

Well those are 10 of at least 1000 I can talk about right now

Thanks sweetie- I really appreicate all you do for me and our family.

Having a hard day

In general leaving Owen has been easier and harder then I thought it would be. I am starting to realize that that is the 100% essential truth of parenting - this impossibility of things never being quite what you expect and simultaneously being good and bad. The no easy answers and the no matter how hard you try obsessing about things that probably don't matter. I always wonder about my parents generation. My mom didn't seem riddled with angst over decisions such as
Is my baby eating too much?
Is my baby eating too little?
Should I stay at home?
Should I work?
If yes to work - full time, part time etc

She seemed so sure of herself as a parent and honestly like she had bigger and better things to worry about then the minutiae of my life. But I was her 3rd child. Owen is my second and I already see myself so much calmer and easier going then I was with K. But now I drop her off at daycare with hardly a second thought- I know she is OK there, I know she likes it there- how - well she is happy playing when I get there and she can tell me. I like that Owen is staying at his home with one person comming in be it his regular nanny or his Aunt to love and take care of him. The few days my aunt can't do it I have found one of the best replacements I could find- K's teacher of over a year who has honestly been my favorite teacher she has ever had which is saying a lot because for the most part I have loved them all.

But today though I know he is in great hands I miss him so bad. I honestly miss him and am more worried about him then the first day I left him. When I left him the first time the day was so crazy and busy being back that I honestly didn't realize I missed him until I got home and held him and felt his soft hair on my chin and smelled his baby Owen smell. Then my heart broke into a thousand pieces realizing I hadn't had this all day. Then after a few days things go easier and I felt happy to be productive at work again and I felt like he was adjusting well to his new situation. Then out of the blue a full two weeks and 1 day later I feel worse then when I first left him. I don't know if it is because I worked at home yesterday morning and saw him more but it can'tbe just that because I have been lucky to do that 1 other day and the next day back wasn't worse.

Oh well 1 more day until Friday and then I am home with them both for the weekend which I am sure will be better and worse then I expect.